i dont know anymore

i feel like i havent slept in three damn years. everything is just one, endless, repeating loop. where has my life gone? i miss the person i used to be, happy, bubbly, forgiving, always nice no matter what, a pushover, always hanging out with friends and partying, made it seem like i was a family girl. i still am the girl i used to be but at the same time i am completely unrecognizable to myself. where did i go? what changed? why do i feel like this? who am i? so many questions and yet so little answers. i feel like as if almost nothing is real anymore. the adults say its just a part of growing up. but this? it cant be. this is worse than just “getting older.” i dont want to be here or do this anymore. but thats normal right? ive seen therapists, but i just lie to make it seem like my life and the people around me are so much better than they are. i dont even know why i do it. i really dont mean to, before i go, i tell myself “i will be completely honest this time, no mask.” but it never happens no matter how hard i try. people ask me whats wrong and i say i dont know. they think im just being stubborn and dont want to talk about it but i truly  do.  not.  know.  but god do i wish i did. its a feeling i cant explain. like everything but nothing. every time i try to go to sleep i replay all the times ive messed up and the things i regret. when i finally go to sleep (if i do) i have this dream, only its not a dream its a memory. the worst memory that i have and wish i could erase. it happened in november of 2019, its now february 2023 and it still happens. every. single. night. i then wake up with panic attacks, afraid to ever fall asleep again. i cant tell anyone though. it feels embarassing plus i dont want or need anyones sympathy. i just wish i could stop it..