Most of all my “good” memories are almost ruined by the “bad” ones.
I was thinking about Kayla, my daughter that passed in 2012. Specifically the night she and her mother boarded a train for California. I, her, and Patty were sitting on the track outside of the Amtrack depot in Depew, NY, and talking with tears in our eyes. Her saying she did not want to go and me lying about it being the best thing for her and her mom. All the while, Patty held my hand as tight as she could, knowing how this was breaking me.
We watched the train leave and my 10 yr old little girl sobbing and waving from the window. Patty held me as I lost it and I knew at that minute that only her would be the one thing that would quiet my pain about all hurts. She knew this and knew this all the years from then. Now, she has used all that against me.
All the bad memories of how I felt I failed Kayla. She now uses them as a weapon against me about the boys. She put me in this spot through her actions and guilts and blames me for not being there constantly for the boys. Some people would agree with her, after all, I am a grown assed man. The thing that they all seem to not realize is that I threw all my money, all my possessions, and my parent’s inheritance (the house) into our relationship and she kept it all. I’m not a successful man who had a safety net for this. I couldn’t find the strength or had the support to fight her for every last scrap and as dumb as it sounds, I gave it all up for my kids. They stayed where they had grown. They stayed around a familiar sense of normal. I thought she would have an “ah-ha” moment, see the pain, realize we were a family, and come back.
I thought that everyone would see me as a caring, but hurt man, who put his family’s interests and lives before me. I was totally wrong and now it’s just me on a lonely island and trying and miserably failing to restart a new life that is tethered to the old one. No one else is. Certainly not Patty. Yet, I am the loser stuck in the past with memories because no matter what I attempt to do to “start over” I personally cannot escape it. The debt I am saddled with. The child support I pay, which I do not mind paying, but now I have over $3000 in medical bills and have been told by Patty that she doesn’t “give a fuck” and I better not fall behind or else.
Maybe my mind is broken? Maybe I have early-onset Alzheimers? I just do not remember ever treating her in any way that she has any reason to treat me as she does. I understand falling out of love, it’s happened to me before. I understand financial frustration. I just cannot understand how a person can go from a caring loving person to someone who wouldn’t waste the piss on you if you were on fire. What shit did they, him and her shit friends, fill her head with? She was never one to not think ill of anyone, why did it start with the man who helped get her a life, 4 beautiful children, and loving in-laws? Why have all my “friends” and others turned their backs and treated me as such?
I have asked pastors, therapists, psychiatrists, and suicide hot-line workers this, time after time, and no one can give me an answer, so I guess it is me. I am too blind and mental to not see it. I am the asshole who ruins not only my life, but those around me life’s too. I should have myself committed. I should have done that 3 years ago when I spent hours of uncontrolled anxiety and black thoughts spending almost every other day in the ER with panic attacks. Instead, I soldiered on, more than likely causing unrepairable damage to those around me and myself.
No matter how I try to mask it, no matter what I don’t say, people must just sense it on me and run. That explains the constant “ghosting” on dating sites when everything seems to be going well and the “meet up” dates. I don’t think I can do this anymore for the years I have left.