It’s been me from the start

Most of all my “good” memories are almost ruined by the “bad” ones.

I was thinking about Kayla, my daughter that passed in 2012. Specifically the night she and her mother boarded a train for California. I, her, and Patty were sitting on the track outside of the Amtrack depot in Depew, NY, and talking with tears in our eyes.  Her saying she did not want to go and me lying about it being the best thing for her and her mom.  All the while, Patty held my hand as tight as she could, knowing how this was breaking me.

We watched the train leave and my 10 yr old little girl sobbing and waving from the window. Patty held me as I lost it and I knew at that minute that only her would be the one thing that would quiet my pain about all hurts. She knew this and knew this all the years from then. Now, she has used all that against me.

All the bad memories of how I felt I failed Kayla. She now uses them as a weapon against me about the boys. She put me in this spot through her actions and guilts and blames me for not being there constantly for the boys. Some people would agree with her, after all, I am a grown assed man. The thing that they all seem to not realize is that I threw all my money, all my possessions, and my parent’s inheritance (the house) into our relationship and she kept it all. I’m not a successful man who had a safety net for this. I couldn’t find the strength or had the support to fight her for every last scrap and as dumb as it sounds, I gave it all up for my kids. They stayed where they had grown. They stayed around a familiar sense of normal. I thought she would have an “ah-ha” moment, see the pain, realize we were a family, and come back.

I thought that everyone would see me as a caring, but hurt man, who put his family’s interests and lives before me. I was totally wrong and now it’s just me on a lonely island and trying and miserably failing to restart a new life that is tethered to the old one. No one else is. Certainly not Patty. Yet, I am the loser stuck in the past with memories because no matter what I attempt to do to “start over” I personally cannot escape it. The debt I am saddled with. The child support I pay, which I do not mind paying, but now I have over $3000 in medical bills and have been told by Patty that she doesn’t “give a fuck” and I better not fall behind or else.

Maybe my mind is broken? Maybe I have early-onset Alzheimers? I just do not remember ever treating her in any way that she has any reason to treat me as she does. I understand falling out of love, it’s happened to me before. I understand financial frustration. I just cannot understand how a person can go from a caring loving person to someone who wouldn’t waste the piss on you if you were on fire. What shit did they, him and her shit friends, fill her head with? She was never one to not think ill of anyone, why did it start with the man who helped get her a life, 4 beautiful children, and loving in-laws? Why have all my “friends” and others turned their backs and treated me as such?

I have asked pastors, therapists, psychiatrists, and suicide hot-line workers this, time after time, and no one can give me an answer, so I guess it is me. I am too blind and mental to not see it. I am the asshole who ruins not only my life, but those around me life’s too. I should have myself committed. I should have done that 3 years ago when I spent hours of uncontrolled anxiety and black thoughts spending almost every other day in the ER with panic attacks. Instead, I soldiered on, more than likely causing unrepairable damage to those around me and myself.

No matter how I try to mask it, no matter what I don’t say, people must just sense it on me and run. That explains the constant “ghosting” on dating sites when everything seems to be going well and the “meet up” dates.  I don’t think I can do this anymore for the years I have left.

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1 week ago

Just from what I know about you from here, and about what happened to you, I don’t see how you can shoulder the blame for ruining others’ lives.  I don’t know the whole story about why your daughter’s mother took her away, but if she had custody could you have even stopped her?  That’s a big guilt to carry around thinking you could have prevented her death.  I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter.  That alone could drive a person crazy.  Then to turn around and essentially lose your four sons through no fault of your own.  She had an affair and she broke up the family.  Then she didn’t even give you a reason, just bye it’s over and I’m with another man.

I think you should be given some credit for leaving that house to her for the sake of your kids.  Shame on her for saying she doesn’t give a fuck about your medical bills.  Does she have a heart at all??  This is all just so wrong.

You have been through so much…alone.  I think anyone would feel exactly like you if they were walking in your shoes.

1 week ago
1 week ago

Hurt people hurt people.  You don’t have to be the reason she is the way she is.  It won’t even make you feel better, except for thinking you have an answer.

Sometimes we just have to be ok with not understanding.

 

i am so sorry.

1 week ago

I don’t think you can blame yourself for everything that has happened in your life, and all the losses you have faced. Life happens and often many people are left wondering how did it all go wrong, I have been there too.

I believe that people never change, there just comes a point when you become witness to this other side of them, or situations happen that caused them to react in a way that may surprise you because that situation has never happened before. It sucks how when you become married and when you have kids you are no longer the only person making decisions. I wish I could advise you correctly or could magically make all the pain you feel and have felt go away. I just know that when I stopped asking myself questions that I couldn’t answer and stopped thinking about things that I couldn’t change and started to look at what I can do and did that I felt better. I mean not always but often I do. Maybe you should do something that makes you happy. 💗