Just… Forget it

I have been nagged by the same thought all weekend and today is no better, but what’s the point of beating a dead horse?

I know I have to change, that I have to move on from the past and fix myself, alone. I really thought I meant something to someone, but short of them not wanting me to die, I don’t. This whole experience over the last 3+ years has been nothing but a total soul-crushing mess. I never imagined Patty doing what she did, but she did. I never imagined my friend’s reactions would be what they were, but they were. I thought my sons would be somewhat lost without me, but they rolled with it all like their Mother and accepted it as just a normal thing.

Part of “changing” who you are involves some support from loved ones and this whole time instead of that support and understanding, I’ve been criticized and shunned. Another part is being financially secure, which I have come nowhere close to being these 3+ years, at all… The people who have broken me financially, all seem to think it was me and me alone that put me in this position. I didn’t fight the divorce, I couldn’t afford to. To this day, people tell me I should have, knowing I was poor as f**k, and refusing to help me, yet if you were to ask them today, they will tell you they would have, but I never asked. HUH??? Seems that all of this is one vast joke that I’ve been left out of…

I have the inner conflict of wanting to be better and of wanting to just lay down and fade away. No one cares. I don’t have people around here calling or checking in with me. I don’t have lifelong friends and siblings coming to me to lift my spirits. My kids never get in touch with me because they “miss” me only to ask for something. It hurts to realize that I suffer every second about all of them, but I am just a fleeting thought to them and only when they need something.

Don’t tell them, but therapy and psychiatrists haven’t really helped. Neither has religion. Yes, I go about them all with an open mind, but nothing has seemed to “click” with me about all the guilt. Whether it’s self-imposed or from others, I just haven’t been able to shake it. Maybe I was this “asshole” to everyone in the past and it’s all coming back onto me. I don’t remember being that way, but maybe that’s part of it. They say some people lie so much that they believe their own lies. Maybe I am that guy…