Me

I don’t understand why I need to matter to someone or anyone. At the end of the day, you’re only with yourself.

It’s physically and mentally killing me not being attached to something or someone. Why did she toss me away as she did? Why did my kids accept it so fast? Why didn’t anyone stand up for me with what she did? Why did everyone treat it like our marriage and relationship never was?

For the 20 years I spent with Patty, she never was one to “share her business” with anyone, so what did she say about me and our marriage that made everyone turn on me? Apparently, she has said it so much over the last few years, that even she believes it. She became so nasty for no apparent reason. OK, you fell out of love, but why say the horrible stuff about how things were when they weren’t bad. I mean we had what I thought was a loving relationship right up to the day it ended. She blew the smoke up my ass with promises. “I won’t bring him around the kids.” He was there the same day within hours. “We will have joint custody.” Nope, but I couldn’t afford to lawyer up. “You can use money from the account to get established.” That was gone the next day. Why? I was walked into the field and Ol’ Yellered.

Now 3+ years later, no friends, no savings, several bills from the marriage, no settlement, and I still bawl like a tard every day, wishing I mattered to someone or something.  I haven’t seen my therapist for months because I can afford to and even she hasn’t checked in with me.

So, of course, I feel like a disgusting monster, A troll that no one wants to acknowledge. Just a nobody who you can lie to and not feel the least bit of regret for. This feeling has taken a hold of me and I can’t get it off of me. Like a clamp that’s too rusty to turn. Why is it so easy to be blamed, lied to, and forgotten by all the people I made my life?

I’m doing the “work”. Exercising, reading, and meditating, haven’t helped. I’m too angry at God to be a practicing Christian right now. Everyone wants to give God the credit for the good stuff. So why were her betrayal and cheating going so well? Why is it a good thing for her and a multi-year “test” for me? She is essentially a Buddhist and her husband was a shit man for most of his life save for a couple of months of bible study?  SO he gets rewarded for “coming to Jesus” and I, a lifelong Christian man, lose everything and for the next 3+ years have to scrape by for anything? How is it that the same Wesleyan pastor can tell me about the horrible sin they committed and yet marry them? Why do I keep losing when I am playing the game right? Two marriages, the ability to raise my kids other than a weekend dad, and my daughter all of 23 and a new mother? I mean F$#%!!! How much has to be heaped onto me? I passed the point of “God never gives you more than you can handle” about 2 years ago. Do I think that God has it out for me? No, I know it doesn’t work like that, but how much does a good man have to go through to “possibly” enjoy an afterlife that may or may not be true? There are rapists, murderers, and lying cheating people out there enjoying a better-fulfilled life than me. What little “good” has come to my life since he’s left it just as fast. It has literally been 3 years, 4 months, and 18 days since this all went down and I am no better off than I was then.

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kat
May 9, 2022

Not much a person or persons can do if one person wants to end the relationship so most opt to stay neutral…. The person that was hurt often feels that is betrayal… I know I did