Me

I’m just a man with 4 sons. Jonathan will be graduating on Friday and in a short time will be off making a new life. Morgen will be a Sophomore and still unsure of what he wants to do with life. Ethan and Caden will be in 4th grade. Although not in the same classes, Caden has autism, and they will be there for each other. I love them and they love me, but I’m not able to be the father they deserve. I’m not there 24/7 to help with everyday matters. So far I’ve missed 4 years of their childhood, only getting glimpses when they spend a day or two with me.

I don’t have friends anymore. I’ve decided that ship has sailed. They were never there for me and as I had 4 years of loneliness I’ve thought about the years they were “friends” of mine and I don’t think they ever were. Starting to think I have never had a friend. I was never close to my brothers and my sister has become less of a sister and more of just an aunt. Patty was my best friend and we all know what happened there. All the people we knew together all wrote me off, never once calling her out on her choices. She never struck me as a person who would just say shit to have people on her side of things, but apparently, you don’t really know someone after 20+ years, at least I don’t.

The few people who have told me they are here whenever I needed them must have changed their minds as soon as they said it.

This is who I am now. I always suspected I would be just this too.  I am becoming the bitter old man in apartment 8. The shades are always drawn. When or if people see me it’s early in the morning or late at night. I don’t sit outside on the little pad in front of my door. I sit in my apartment and bitch about the neighbor’s dogs. I sit in the darkness of the afternoon crying about a past that was taken from me. I have never been the author of my story, and for you that says write a new one, it’s not easy when you are financially and emotionally anchored to a past that everyone got a fresh start from. I’ve made efforts to find a new friend or two and even a date and at most, it lasted 2 days and then absolutely nothing. I am still waiting for a reply from a lady I met on Stir who came after me. It’s been over 2 weeks.

When it all comes down to it, the darkness has won, and without the support that most people have, I honestly can not do it and well, I don’t care anymore.

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kat
2 weeks ago

friendship can be hard! many friends are very needy and need lots of time and energy… and if you can’t do that they go on to the next person

2 weeks ago

@kaliko Which is why I have only one friend.  She doesn’t get mad at me when I don’t feel like talking…she just knows to give me space.  One of my sisters makes me feel bad for not spending more time with her, she gets so mad at me.  I don’t need that.

2 weeks ago

What about remote positions that might offer more money in your field or in a with something very similar to your skills/experience? Have you looked into Linkedin? Recruiters approach me all the time there

2 weeks ago

@anhmymuminah Honestly, I don’t even know my skills/experience. I sell trailers to people who want trailers. It is far from a real sales job. It pays the bills. Actually too scared to start again right now…

2 weeks ago

@newt316

Don’t underestimate yourself. I’d take a guess that your skills might be strong customer service skills, data entry, attention to detail?

I really should have been in HR or a job recruiter. I’m weirdly good at it LOLZ 🤓

2 weeks ago

Also, hugs!!!! 💙

2 weeks ago

@anhmymuminah 🤗 Back at you

2 weeks ago

could you get your kids more often?

 

2 weeks ago

@strawberryjelly With summer here I will try, but I still have to work so I can’t get the little ones unless they come with the older ones, then there really isn’t anything to do at my place. it’s just depressing…

2 weeks ago

I didn’t realize you had a son with autism.  Are he and Ethan twins or just in the same grade?  He is very lucky and blessed to have a brother close to his age.  I wish so bad Landon had one because he gets lonely a lot.  It would have been great if he had had someone to grow up with.  His only brother is 13 years older than him and they have never been close at all.

2 weeks ago

@happyathome not twins, Ethan was held back one year