I’m just a man with 4 sons. Jonathan will be graduating on Friday and in a short time will be off making a new life. Morgen will be a Sophomore and still unsure of what he wants to do with life. Ethan and Caden will be in 4th grade. Although not in the same classes, Caden has autism, and they will be there for each other. I love them and they love me, but I’m not able to be the father they deserve. I’m not there 24/7 to help with everyday matters. So far I’ve missed 4 years of their childhood, only getting glimpses when they spend a day or two with me.
I don’t have friends anymore. I’ve decided that ship has sailed. They were never there for me and as I had 4 years of loneliness I’ve thought about the years they were “friends” of mine and I don’t think they ever were. Starting to think I have never had a friend. I was never close to my brothers and my sister has become less of a sister and more of just an aunt. Patty was my best friend and we all know what happened there. All the people we knew together all wrote me off, never once calling her out on her choices. She never struck me as a person who would just say shit to have people on her side of things, but apparently, you don’t really know someone after 20+ years, at least I don’t.
The few people who have told me they are here whenever I needed them must have changed their minds as soon as they said it.
This is who I am now. I always suspected I would be just this too. I am becoming the bitter old man in apartment 8. The shades are always drawn. When or if people see me it’s early in the morning or late at night. I don’t sit outside on the little pad in front of my door. I sit in my apartment and bitch about the neighbor’s dogs. I sit in the darkness of the afternoon crying about a past that was taken from me. I have never been the author of my story, and for you that says write a new one, it’s not easy when you are financially and emotionally anchored to a past that everyone got a fresh start from. I’ve made efforts to find a new friend or two and even a date and at most, it lasted 2 days and then absolutely nothing. I am still waiting for a reply from a lady I met on Stir who came after me. It’s been over 2 weeks.
When it all comes down to it, the darkness has won, and without the support that most people have, I honestly can not do it and well, I don’t care anymore.