I woke this morning like every day for the past few years, hoping for the best. Hoping for a call, message, text, or even an email, but they don’t come. Usually, at about 10 am the blue starts to set in. The memories of these few years once again overwhelm me and I can’t get them out of my head. I write here to try, but it’s like blowing on a serious burn, just a moment’s relief, and then the pain returns.
I got on to Talk Space to, as they say, have access to 24/7 help and I hardly hear from the therapist assigned to me. I really do not think that she truly understands me at all, even with the columns of thoughts and feelings I write. I just can’t “change my thoughts” and pick one thing to change, as they say. Maybe I just don’t try hard enough. I just feel like I am letting yet another person down.
I got on a dating site called Stir. I actually had someone approach me. We had a few conversations, good and without oversharing, as I tend to do. I haven’t heard anything from her in days. Thing is, the site showed you when they were last on and she has a few times since. I guess she, like everyone, just figures I am not worth it. I still spend every half hour checking for a message though.
I have a half-hour left at work and then it’s back to my gloomy apartment where I will try to distract myself from smoking a pack of cigarettes and gorging myself with junk food. Around 5:30 I will take the medicine, my psychiatrist gave me to sleep and chase it with 2 Tylenol PMs. Then spend some time watching asinine YouTube videos until I get drowsy enough. All the while checking and hoping I get some message or call from someone that has never come for more than 3 years no matter how much I try to contact them.
I’ll lay in bed, in the dark, with some sort of soundscape playing, trying not to think and failing miserably.
What did I do to deserve this? If there is a God, why has he just punished me like this for years? They say that he doesn’t put anything on you that you can’t handle, but I stopped being able to years ago. When will it change?
You know, I had a thought. I don’t think I was ever truly loved by anyone in my relationships. Even all the years with Patty. I don’t think you would destroy a marriage and family for me. Thing is, maybe I just don’t see it but her new husband isn’t that particularly better looking then me or even a better person. It just leaves me hating myself, thinking I’m not good enough for anyone. I mean, she didn’t even think that I was worth a second chance or our marriage was worth saving. Maybe I should just accept that this is my life until the end.