New day, same problems
I walked away from open diary a few months back. I thought I finally found someone or someones to actually talk to in the “real world”. I didn’t.
Once again, just like the 4 other times since my divorce, I thought I found someone who wanted to be with me. Just as before, I got the “don’t want to be with someone, want to be alone” talk. They wouldn’t be honest, tell me they weren’t interested, I wasn’t someone they wanted. Within days, they all started dating.
I have relived my heartbreak of losing my wife 4 more times since she immediately jumped into a new one.
I have come to be ok with myself. I don’t enjoy it, but I live with it, but the hurt is all around like a shadow. I got a dog, she much like the ex, relies on my help to eat and have a place to sleep and fill her basic needs, but she would rather be with the neighbor and strangers. She is more excited by people passing by the door than greeting me after a long day. I sit on the couch, she sits in the chair. She moves away from one or the other when I sit. I call her to lay in the bed with me and she slinks away to stay on the hard floor.
Since I last wrote, I have made every effort to mend fences. Apologizing for things and actions indifferent people did to me all because I missed my friends and family. Nothing changed. No one answered.
Some people want a life all their own, no one to involve themselves with. I don’t, I need people in mine. I was totally happy with my little family. I made every effort for my ex and my kids. She left me and immediately brought in her new man and I was replaced like that. Yeah, I get my kids, who are totally unaffected by this. No one, friends or family, questioned her or her actions. I spent the first year hearing from strangers and distant friends about how people don’t know what to stay and the bulk of this one being told how I am a whining bitch and shit happens. At no time did I ever get a supportive hug or visit. To this day, the only people who have checked in are a few people I met through here and the therapist I pay weekly to do it.
The one thing I learned and it took a lot of years is that the very first thing is I need to be happy with myself and love me for who I am. the friends and family comes much later because what they have to offer is a really different kind of friendship or love.
The thing you need to do is make a list of the things you like about yourself and the ones you don’t like then start with one item at a time and fix it. Some of the list you won’t fix but at least you can work on trying.
I can be here and there for you if you want to reach out to me…..I just want you to be happy and enjoy life.
Warning Comment
You should try bonding and playing with your new dog in a new, patient way than you’ve tried before. Dogs are very entuned to human energy and she may be sensing a guard up within you. You’d be surprised at the things you can learn about yourself by simply opening up to an animal. If you let her in, she will let you in as well. She may be just the therapy you need. All relationships take time to build trust and love, human or animal. There are tons of videos that can assist you in bonding with her on youtube as well. I hope you can find some happiness within yourself, its the most important relationship we have as humans.
Warning Comment