* ok, please don’t psychoanalyze me. No “you’re not ready” or anything. I just need to say this and put it out there and seeing that I literally have no real world people to talk to, I only have this outlet….

Yesterday I hit the tri-fecta, grand slam, het trick of rejection. I’m starting to think the only way I am going to get a “real world” friend or relationship is to kidnap someone and hope they get Stockholm Syndrome. Let’s work the list:

  • My wife of 20 years, essentially leaves me and “no longer” loves or even cares for me in less than a day.
  • My actual siblings and life long friends just stop talking to me and over the last few years of me asking, begging, and apologizing, for some reason, have just cut me out of their lives.
  • I have failed to make new “real world” friends (actual people you can touch, have drinks with. Not you guys, you’re awesome!!)
  • I have been rejected, “ghosted”, or given the “no compatibility” brush off text by thin women, fat women, older ladies, younger ladies, women of different races, colors, and creeds and even a woman who has a serious health condition and was actively looking for someone to spend time with if these may be here last days on earth..

So, yesterday I finally met my latest “kick in the balls” for coffee. We had spent 2 weeks chatting and texting on a daily balance. We met on FB dating, she liked me first before I even noticed her. So she knew what I looked like and essentially who I am at a glance. Divorced, 50yrs old, 4 kids, looking for friend or long time relationship.

I will be the first to admit that when I started to reach out, for a new lady or friend, I over-shared. I broke all the rules about first impressions and freely admit I was not ready or even over the ex or the loss of everything, but as time passed, I broke the habit and have became “comfortable” and surrendered to the fact that the past was the past.

Back to the coffee date. She was even prettier than her pictures. No, I did not say that to her in any form, at all.. We met at a place of her choosing, so as to not be creepy or weird to her. I also didn’t say that. We both said the stuff about family, kids, and how life brought us to where we are today. I didn’t take over the conversation, allowed her to talk without interruptions, and I definitely did not over-share. She explained she was “born again” and how God and the church saved her. I answered that I believed and had fallen out of regularly going to church, but I was actively looking and thinking of finding a new one. Now, I personally don’t think it was what I said next that made the bottom fall out and she didn’t seemed at the least bothered by it.” I said I was raised Lutheran, LCA if that makes any difference to you Lutheran readers, and I was used to a traditional type of service. I also said that the newer types of services with bands and contemporary Christian music kind of makes me uncomfortable because I just haven’t been to enough of them, but I am sure that I could like to enjoy them. Again, she was smiling and answered that are very enjoyable. She told me that she lived a rough life up until her late 30’s and then God found her and “BING” it all changed. She is Wesleyan, not that makes a difference to me at all, and she has given her life over to God. This has and never will be an issue to me, but I admit and said that I wasn’t sure what the difference between Lutheran and Wesleyan was. I assume God is God, but honestly it’s been nothing but changing and rediscovery for me over the last 3 years and I am totally open to everything. I said that it all sounded great and would be nice to go with her to her church and eventually “converting” to it.

A half hour went by and she looked at her phone and said she had go, she only had someone to watch her son for a little bit, but it was great to meet and talk. I didn’t see any implications that I did or said anything wrong, but then again my ex was cheating and planning to destroy me under my nose and I also didn’t see or do anything either. Smiles were shared, hugs were given, and with waves we left. About 10-15 minutes I sent a quick text about how nice it was nice to finally meet. Like I said we have been talking for almost 2 weeks, so I didn’t think it was too soon to say that.

Then it came. The answer I have become so used to. “I don’t think we are compatible” and that’s where it was. I politely asked if so could maybe tell me why or what. Nothing. I didn’t blow up her phone if that’s your first thought. I haven’t texted or said anything since.

I guess this all bothers me because for the last 50 years I have always been a person who needs to understand the whys, hows, and whats. There was a time before my 1st ex destroyed my confidence, where I could read the room. There was also a time where it seemed I could do wrong and made friends and girlfriends at a snap of the finger. So, this all kind of leaves me feeling confused, ugly, depressed and lonely.

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2 weeks ago

I know that hurts. I’ve cut one sibling out of my life (and she knows why) and the other has essentially cut me out (I can only guess it’s because we’re so opposite in religion and politics). It’s odd that no one will be honest with you on what the problem is. Perhaps a psychologist is appropriate at this point to help you with the loss (they say divorce is like a death) of your wife and to help you with relationships. COVID has severely limited my wife’s ability to have personal interaction with people (some of it her choice for fear of getting the virus) and it’s driving her nuts. I’m more of a loner, so I enjoy all this time to myself. The only red flag I see in your conversation is about going to church and converting — again, a little too eager, a little too soon in the relationship to go there. Be yourself. Respect yourself. I know it’s hard because of all the rejection and that has shaken you. A lack of confidence shows. There are a lot of self-held videos on YouTube. Some of it is juvenile, some directed at younger people, some are just drivel, but…there are positive messages and some are good and at the very least, give you some something to ponder. Good luck, pal!

2 weeks ago

@solovoice Thank you. I have been doing the therapy thing for a couple years now. Kind of why I feeling like I’m ready to date again. As far as church thing, I’ve been wanting to get back into a rhythm of going to church. Like I said though, I’m used to an old style, hymns on a organ, sit and stand kind of service, but a lot of traditional Lutheran churches are dying in congregation and the new “party” service churches are becoming the go to. Still, I figured with the last woman yesterday, based on her own words, she didn’t care about looks, finances, or kids, just wanted a man who is honest, faithful, and a belief in God. So??? It is what it is..

2 weeks ago

@newt316 Used to be a member of a Missouri synod Lutheran Church. I, too, prefer the old-type services (though I am now an atheist). I also sang at a ELCA Lutheran church (for pay). There were things they believed that were batshit crazy (sorry). 😉 I did, however, meet my wife in the choir of a Presbyterian church I was singing at, so there’s that!

2 weeks ago

I don’t think it’s unfair to want answers.  I don’t know that you’ll get them, but we shouldn’t have to justify ourselves to people here.  This should be a judgement free zone.  For whatever reason, it doesn’t seem to be.  You need to write these entries for yourself and it’s sad that any disclaimer have to be prefaced.  I’m guessing she was being polite and that’s why there was no indication on her part for why the rejection.  Maybe she’ll share, maybe not, but I hope you can see this as her loss.

Have you ever tried “Meet up?”  I looked into this when I was single, not for dating but just to have people to do things with – walks, movies, dining out.  I live in a smaller community so it didn’t really take off but maybe if you’re in a more metropolitan area, this might be a way for you to meet and mingle with people.  Or trying out new churches.  I did that too when an ex moved to a new town.  Church people are usually needy for members 🙂


1 week ago

I don’t think it was asking too much to want to know why she didn’t think you were compatible…at all.  I think it very rude that she just didn’t respond to your question…wow.