The phrase 2

I apparently struck a nerve with what I wrote. I do that a lot. Now I never meant to say that I wouldn’t sacrifice for my children. I have since I was 18 and my daughter was born. Where others can say they did something for themselves to benefit their kids, I can’t. I lived for each one. Did it seem like anyone looked at me as a good Father? No, no they didn’t. Neither of my ex’s considered my feelings and love for my children when they dumped me from their lives, nor did they care when they put new men in the children’s live immediately.

I know what some of you might think, “maybe it is you?”

Who knows? It probably is.

The point is, I do live for my kids. Hell, I live for everyone but me. My friends and family have acted like they couldn’t give a shit about me, but I just keep calling and texting.

When my daughter Kayla died, it was about how everyone but me lost something. I was told I had to be strong for the boys, while everyone else was pitied for their loss. I remember being dressed down when I had a moment where I said something about losing my daughter and how selfish I was for saying that.

What people don’t understand is I’m not some heartless bastard. I spent a lifetime being strong for everyone else and then I was totally broken by Patty and her betrayal. I needed someone to be strong for me and no one cared. The boys being young, didn’t understand, I get that, but it hurts that they never questioned why. My sister, who you would think would be there defending her brother, or at the least, have a few words to say to my ex, didn’t. She and the brother in law just went on like nothing happened. Friends didn’t gather around me and mother fuck my ex to support me, instead I was told shit happens. Yes the same friends I went out to track down the guys their exs cheated with. The same friends who I sat with countless times to make sure they didn’t make a stupid drunken decision.

So, I’m wrong for saying I will support my kids my way and not play at being buddy buddy with the ex and her new husband for the kids sake. People may see it as showing them how mature men should act. I see it more as allowing cheating and lying home wreckers to be accepted. My boys shouldn’t feel the need to be gracious to someone who flips their world upside-down, pissing on it, and dragging it through the mud. Especially after hearing that person make promises and loving remarks right up to hours before tearing you apart.

I want my boys to be pissed about the unfairness of what it means to be a man in a world that no longer allows a man to be a man. I’ve taught them to be chivalrous and respecting, but I don’t want them to be weak and allow the world to piss on them like it has to me.

So the critiques are right in my last entry, I am the problem.

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March 16, 2023

this journal is yours to write what selfish or unselfish feelings you have…  We all have good/bad days.  We all have feelings we aren’t proud of, we are human…

I’m sorry you feel you have to defend your hurt and pain.

March 17, 2023

I didn’t see anything wrong with what you said in the last entry.  I understood what you were trying to say.  And, I refuse to believe that you are the problem.  From what you’ve shared I just don’t see it that way.  I know there are two sides to every story, but I just don’t see how what she did can be right in any way.

It would be hard for me to see the boys have such a good relationship with the new man.  Yes, I know I should want them to get along with the new man and even like him if they have to live with him.  But, it would still hurt to have to see it after what the man did to the family.  I GET that.