For everyone who was in a relationship that fantasizes about single life, I call BULL SHIT. Oh sure when you have stuff and money to get more stuff, the idea of leaving and starting over sounds awesome. All these “guys” who tell me that I’m lucky to now be on my own have just that.
Sure, if I had walked or even done the way I was and I still had something to my name, I’m sure that it could be more, but I left penniless and broken. Nothing but some clothes. Everything I had built, bought, and worked for was gone. I had a home and property to do things on. A man cave with tools and toys. Unlimited access to my kids and someone to hold to at night and talk to all day. I have spent over 3 years trying to have something and all I have is other people’s stuff that I pay for. My truck is owned by One Main Financial, and my apartment by Power Play Partners. The entertainment I have is all Spectrums and I watch it on the tv I pay Best Buy monthly, for at least one more year. The visits with my kids are at the discretion and allowed time of my ex.
Yeah, this single free life rocks alright. I now face a limited amount of time to get something on my own and it’s just probably not going to happen. Given the family history, no matter how I live, healthily or not, I will have a heart attack at 65, 14 years from now. I may make it to 80, but at least the last 3 years will be in a home and out of my mind, so I have a good 25 years.
I was put into a “no-win” situation by a woman I worshipped for years who really had no reason to be as vindictive as she has become. She has lost nothing and if she had any sort of regret, she has never let on about it to anyone.
How do I become that person? Fuck everyone else and just put me first. Live a life that if people object or have issues with, just fuck em. I know people can do it, but not me and it’s really beginning to undo me. I have spent the last 2 weeks discussing all this with a TalkSpace therapist and I get the impression that all of it is my fault. Somehow I should see things through others’ eyes. Understand the “problems” they may have, the hurts and sadness. How the grass is not always greener BS. So yet one more person that seems to not acknowledge me as if I am just being a whiny little bitch. It’s just funny that when everyone else I know has gone through heartbreaks, life changes, and getting a splinter, the world stops and falls at their feet.
“Oh, your Mom passed away. Here’s food and money and several people to talk to about your grief.”
“Oh, you may be going through a divorce, here let’s take you out and cheer you up. Is there anything else we can do for you?”
“No one should lose their child so young, we are here for you for however long it takes.”
“OMG! Have you had surgery? I’ll be right there to help you in any way I can. Do you need anything?”
NOTHING! I have had no support or cheer. Not when it happened and most certainly not now after these years. Not one check-in. Not one visit. Instead, I am told that I shouldn’t still be sad or depressed after all this time or straight out lies about how they tried. They never did, I live in this shell and have for 51 years, not them, I would know and I would certainly not sit here writing these feelings for people who don’t know me to read. I mean seriously, if you have been following me for any amount of time, why would you want to either?