Thinking

I’ve been rethinking my life recently. Being shut in does that I guess, the unemployment isn’t helping either.

The economy sucks and I am legitimately scared what tomorrow will bring. I am so screwed at the moment it’s making me physically sick. I honestly don’t have anyone here I can ask for help. Unfortunately I found that out over the last few years with all the divorce crap.

I’m overweight, physically broken ( my knees are so shot it’s effected how I walk and what I can do), and seriously lonely. I have done the counciling and learned what to do and nothing is really helping when the problem is me. I fight myself every second of the day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to start over again and that’s just pulling me back to the bad place I was in the months after Patty gave up on me.

I realize that you can’t go back and that if you could get it all back it won’t be the same, but all I want is what I had. I want to wake up tomorrow and start making Thanksgiving dinner for my wife and kids and my brothers and sister’s family. I want to sit next to Patty and hold hands like we did looking at the joy on our kids faces.  Now I’m sitting here alone, worried I don’t have enough for them when they come on Friday. Knowing that I can’t go all out because i just got the last paycheck and rent is due next week. Possibly the last time I can pay it.

What am I going to do? How do I find a job where they will be totally understandable that I am essentially lame? A job where they give a 51yr old man a chance. A overweight, bald, non professional man a chance. Before you say that it is easy and I am blowing things out of proportion,  I have went through this 3 years ago at 48 and went through Hell to get the job I just lost. The job I busted my ass to keep from losing its NYDMV privileges. The job where I trained the woman who is still there and not “laid off”. The job where I did 2 people’s jobs for 2 months.

IDK. I guess I will have to just live.

So what do I need to do? I have to figure out how to continue my meds and doctors visits. I have to try and lose weight without a lot of physical activities I can do because of my knees. I have to make peace with the fact that I will never have the family I wanted and somehow accept that I can only be a part time Dad whose children are being raised by another man. I have sell stuff and donate the rest so if the worse happens I can learn to love without it all. Maybe find something along a bus route or close enough I can waddle to when they come and take the truck. Not sure if bankruptcy will help. I’ve made the calls. Unemployment, HEAP, creditors.

I hate this