Write to write 2

Another sunny day here that I can only enjoy from the window or the 5 foot clearing I manages to make outside. I’m sure by my usual posts that you all see me as positive and outgoing so, when I say I feel completely defeated it will come as a shock.

I never could have imagined my body could hurt like it does right now. The arthritis in my knees and hands. The sciatica all down my right leg. The just overwhelming feeling like something is seriously wrong with me coupled now with the I can’t afford my medicine or even Doctor visits in a weeks time. The hopelessness of not being able to dig myself out of this place to get to my truck and go to the store let alone get to the parking lot if for some reason someone would pick me up stuff.  Across from my building in another set of apartments. These house “special needs” folks who are independent enough to live on their own but have aids coming over several hours a day. There’s a clear path to their door. That sounds horrible of me to say. I’m glad that people care enough for them to help them maintain a regular day to day.

I’m not looking forward to the social services BS that will have to eventually come because of my job loss. I managed to apply for Unemployment but had to call because for some reason the website says I am using a VPN and I am absolutely sure I am not and besides its using my cell and data. Erie county is the worse social services experience one can ever have. I’m hope it doesn’t come to having to apply for food stamps, HEAP, or insurance and having to negotiate getting into the city and finding a parking place that doesn’t cost more than the actual benefits. I’ve never met a kind caring social services representative. I’m sure they are out there. I just don’t know what I can apply for in the meantime between things.

I don’t want to start over again. When I got the last job I was still able to go above and beyond and over the last few years I was able to adopt ways to still do it and not break myself. Now, IDK. I’ve never been a professional in anything so chances are the next job will have to be more physical than my body is going to allow. I’m not disabled but I know there’s absolutely no way I can stand or work physically for 5 days 40 hours.

I guess this is it. This is how my life will finish up on Earth. 20+ years of fumbling around with just memories of being someone at one time and how what little dreams and hopes I had were dashed for other’s dreams and hopes. Living with the fact that when I needed people no one really cared but gladly accepted all I did for them. How I built a life, home, family,  and future for someone who never did anything but take advantage of a woman having issues of faith in her marriage and now I have become the bad guy who just ruined everything and everyone and I am getting what I deserve because of it.