I was, I have been; I am not.
I feel like-
I felt like-
I am
I was
a failure.
The morning my mother died, I helped my father carry her to the car.
She asked me to get her a cup of ice- she was thirsty but couldn’t drink. I got her the cup and she took it and and said, "Kurt, you are a good son"
And my father drove her away and she died only a few hours later.
I have felt like a failure.
In the middle seventies there was a commercial on TV that said "Big brothers don’t let little brothers use dope"
I was 15 and had already failed my little brother. He was lost to us already. I failed my mother and she was lost to us that day. My father was not a strong man. He was, but he wasn’t. The loss of his wife undid him and he followed her just half a year later.
There is no strength in a gin bottle.
He fell and hit his head.
I woke up to hear him calling me – me, no one else.
I went downstairs and helped him as much as I could, wiped the blood from his face and helped him up to bed. Two days later, he asked me to call the ambulance for him, and as they took him away I brought him his wallet. He too said I was a good son.
I failed them all.
I lost my mother and my father and my brother and have never gained them back. My brother decended into drugs and deceit and I was left outside to live my life and know that I had failed everyone.
My god cursed uncle, who became the estate’s executor always supported my brother, the artist over me. Because I was a failure – because I could not save them. Because I was me..
**
In the years since, the feeling of failure has mostly left. I understand that I did not fail them, that I could not save them.
That it was not in my power to affect the way things turned out.
But it lingers, that feeling of failure.
I failed my marriage.
I failed my vows.
I have failed everyone. But I have not failed myself.
I could not save anyone.
I cannot save anyone.
I can save myself, and I can save my cat, and I will.
*
Some private note praised me for doing the right thing yesterday and guiding the firemen to the fire.
It looked like a waterfall in reverse- gouts of flame and burning needles rising in the air. I did not understand what I was seeing, at first.
But then I knew, and saw the firetruck glide right by that street.
What else could I do but chase them down and stop them and send them back?
What else?
If not me, who?
If not me, who?
*
Integrity is doing the right thing even if no one sees.
If not me, who?
I am; I have been; I may be;
a failure.
But not to myself.
Never.
It’s not over until I say so.
It ain’t over yet.
I will not fail.
*****
It’s not over til you choose it to be. And it’s not.
Warning Comment
Have you ever thought that your parents failed you? They were the ones wholeft early wern’t they? You rbrother failed you because he did not stick around to support his older brother who was left to try and cope as an adult at only fifteen years of age. You did not fail anyone! They all failed you!! I lost my father at nine months old.In later years I felt a though he abandoned me.
Warning Comment
You are who you are now because all of this happened to you. When you realise that you didn’t fail anyone, that old feeling will disapear forever!
Warning Comment
No one failed me- I reject that out of hand.
Warning Comment
Gosh…. please don’t feel like a failure to your parents or brother! You were only a boy and what more could you have done? It was their time to die, sad though that was. You did ALL that you could do. Same for your brother. He just had to live his life in a certain way; you tried. Same with K*, I guess….but no relationship is a failure that results in lifelong friendship! hugs, Weesprite
Warning Comment
(but adding to my last note…. in honesty I have to say that for awhile I also felt like I’d been a failure to my parents and brother also, and other times too. But neither you nor I was!! Never…. I’m glad you mostly realize that, and I do too!) hugs, Weesprite
Warning Comment
We’re all in a pit of circumstances. We try to do the best we can. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. But we are here, and it is now. But we are here, and it is now. What we do now is what counts. Have a good day, friend.
Warning Comment
We are our own worst critic… and yer right, you will not fail. *hugssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss*
Warning Comment
Try looking at a fifteen year old kid one day soon. Ask yourself if he could really be expected to perform all those miracles that you expected of yourself then? Maybe it was easier to feel you had the power & “failed” than to face feeling helpless. Maybe you needed to feel that to survive at 15. But I can see you know you don’t need it any more. Good luck.
Warning Comment
I agree with all the other posters here, but I also know that just because your head knows a truth it doesn’t mean your heart knows it or believes it. The good ones among us do the best that we can, sounds to me like you’re one of them 🙂
Warning Comment
I spent a long time feeling like a failure to everyone and especially to my kids for choosing poorly in their Dad. On a bad day I still feel it just as much. Nothing I read here made me think you failed anything but I know how it feels so I know what I think is unlikely to change what you feel. I am trying to learn that I don’t have to get things exactly right for them to still be enough. **HUGS**
Warning Comment
As an after thought: a guy I used to date told me it was self centred of me to think the whole worlds problems were all my fault somehow. He didnt really mean it but its an interesting perspective to take now and then. There are things that happen and we are simply not able to do a thing that would change them.We assume if we did the other thing it would have been better. It might have been worse
Warning Comment
Weesprite is right on target… don’t ever blame yourself… you didn’t fail them…
Warning Comment
Of course you know you didn’t fail your parents or your brother, but I understand how carrying the burden of their loss at such a young age, can make you feel as if you did. This is a wonderful entry, your strength and character and determination is so obvious. I believe your parents absolutely knew what they were talking about when they said you were a good son.
Warning Comment
Very well written cat.
Warning Comment
I’m so glad your mother and father told you that you were a good son…they wanted you to know how they felt about you in that respect. Maybe they knew that you’d blame yourself.
Warning Comment
Warning Comment
Your too hard on yourself, man.
Warning Comment
and it was never your fault and you never failed anyone and hey who is there for you. We are my friends all of us here on opendiary. Take care you have had more than your fair share in life and I hope and pray that someone you love will share your life together for the rest of the years here on earth. HUGS and HUGSxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Warning Comment
RYN: Well, that makes a bit more sense then.
Warning Comment
I know that we look at things from childhood perspectives, not fully developed, and interpret experiences from that place – from our limited understanding. I look at your story about your mother and wonder how you thought you had failed her, and your father. To me, as an adult, I clearly see that you helped both of them, quite literally. She asked for something, you gave it. So too with your
Warning Comment
When they needed you, you were there. And that integrity and strength of character shows in your life. It’s why you are a good worker and go the extra mile for your boss. It’s why you still have a good connection with K, despite a divorce. It’s why you flagged down the fire engine. You have always been making these choices, Kurt. Maybe you or someone else mislabeled things as failure, but
Warning Comment
I’d say it was success. I’ve been working on self perception myself, and I realized that my hatred for my body was because my older sister hated my body, and hated her own body. I realized it hit me at a developmentally vulnerable place and stuck, I took on her self hatred and her direct hatred of me and applied it to my body ever since. But now I realize her developmental stage, and know
Warning Comment
that I took it in pretty deeply. And for the first time, I’m feeling like I am walking away from that self hatred, that hatred of my body. It’s like I got some perspective and grew, realizing I had misinterpreted the situation because of my youth and where I was at the time. Sure, she hated, but it was because that’s who she was at the time. Stuck in her own developmental spot. But that’s not me.
Warning Comment
If I was there I would smack you on the side of the head and say don’t be a silly billy. Of course you are not a failure. You sound like me … oh woe is me… Deep down I know it isn’t true. You are just too beautiful inside to be a failure.
Warning Comment
I deal with feelings of failure, too. You make some good points here.
Warning Comment
I remember reading this. I am glad you are doing so well now. I hope the painful memories continue to ease with time.
Warning Comment
Thats too much for a little kid to handle. let a lone process as an adult. Bad feelings haunt you sometimes
Warning Comment