now I know

 Yesterday, I spent some of the day – the evening and night, mostly, angry and pissed off.

I didn’t understand WHY, and concluded that I hadn’t eaten enough, which was probably true; I didn’t eat full meals yesterday.

I tend to stay at home; less public display of myself.  I did go to VocRehab, briefly, to get my next purchase order for the medications, and I did go to my Job Developers for interview practise, driving to both with no real problems, and it wasn’t until the evening that I lost it about something, which tinted my night – I couldn’t lose the low-level feeling of being "ready’ to be "pissed off", and I wondered "why?".

Now I know.

I have a seven-day medicine box, seven compartments, one for each day, and this morning, when I went to take the morning doses, the Wednesday box was still full.  I had taken the Adderall – but had not taken the Zoloft.  I did an "experiment" yesterday morning.  I’ve been having a kind of "sexual disfunction" – can’t get it up, in other words, and I thought I’d skip that dose "for awhile" to see if it made any difference.  It didn’t, really, although I tried, but now I realise that I never took the Zoloft yesterday.

Sheesh, no wonder I couldn’t let go of that anger.  Luckily, that didn’t take over until the evening, but omg, I have become dependant on that stuff to stay level., and now I know.  The experiment had different results than I expected, but still had results that now I understand.  My scripts cannot be filled until Sunday; I’ll go turn them in today, with the purchase order, so I don’t have any problems like I did last month, when I had to wait all weekend because no one at the pharmacy knew how to deal with a state purchase order.  I have meds until Monday now, but that’s cutting it close; Monday’s memorial Day and the pharmacy is closed.

I like being "level".

 

*****