one picture & link to a picture by request

 Hmm.  Just ONE picture, to post, on OD.

Huh.  Almost 11,000 on Photobucket now.

Closer to 25,000 on my computer, mostly mine or my former wife’s, and she says I can use hers too.  I never lie and say "that’s my picture" when it’s not.  I don’t have to.  I take good pictures myself, and she says (I was shocked) that I’m the better photographer.

Well.

Dip me in whiskey and roll me in powered sugar, that’s sweet.

Ok, I’ll just pour another shot.

<<<that’s a lie.  I’m drinkin’ off the bottle itself.>>>

Heaven Hill 6yr old bourbon, 90 proof

Photobucket actually takes a while to come up; I have it sectioned off in ~500 pic sections, and I am kind of forgetting where pics are in the whole thing.

One picture.  What should it be?  Not, I don’t think, Crater Lake AGAIN.  I’ve posted hundreds of pictures of the lake here already.

Not a picture of my wrecked car – that really was MY car, by the way; the firemen I went to see six, eight months later gave it to me.  I went to see THE guys on THE crew that rescued me.  Found out who they were and when they worked and went there then to say "thank you" and "I’m sorry".  I know it’s my car, but it’s all pretty incredible – that car is fucked up.  Someone lived through that?  Not much of a life, granted, but it’s a life and it’s mine, and I’m not too depressed today, yet

Are we having fun yet? Yet? Yet? Yet? No No

Found a lot of Nickleback on YouTube and it’s going through my head, that one line, with the music too.  I found complete Nickleback albums online, and I gotta think, how fucking long WAS that coma anyways?  Some of these albums and songs are from ten, eleven years ago.  What the fuck was I doing then?  How come I never heard them before?

Which pic should I post?  Me?  Me and the woman I married (and divorced)?  My car(s)?  Something from the Gorge?  The coast?  Mt, Hood?

I’m still not ready to look at my Blacky Cat’s pictures, although I finally threw out the medicine and the insulin I had left from him, eight months after he died.  I miss him very much and this is only the second summer in my new life that I haven’t had a cat – The first year was in the Foster Home in 98, after the wreck, when I was re-born.  I did die in the car wreck, but for some reason I came back and in surprisingly good shape.  I’d like to think that there was/is a reason, but it’s all looking pretty fucking random now.  You could make a case that this is hell and I haven’t served out my sentence yet, cuz this is a kind of suffering and I’m not all that sure I wanna be here for that.

Cue up "Burn it to the ground".  No fear no doubt all in balls out

I have burned things down to the ground.  It’s really intensely exciting, for about 15 seconds and then that voice in my head says "What the fuck are you doing?"

Yeah, I hear voices, sometimes, but so far they haven’t said anything too upsetting.

I don’t know why I’m here.

Oh yeah.  I’m here to post one picture.

Sometimes I think "it could be worse" and a lot of times I think, "is this it?  Is this all?  What. The. Fuck".

Indeed.  WTF

I forgot to change the automatic renewal of Photobucket, so my Visa’s got another $25 on it and my pics will stay "up" for another year.  This is a "lifetime" OD, so even if I didn’t post anything again, it would be up forever, or however long "lifetime" really is.  The PB account is year to year, but the pics will stay visible for one more year at least, and I guess that’s ok – it would be a huge loss if they went down, I think.

yeah yeah, self-important, but why the fuck not.  that’s at least one person I know who cares about me. Myself.  K* does too, I think most of the time, but shes five fucking thousand miles away and I’m right here.

Words in my head.  Are we having fun yet?  I was waiting on a different story.

One picture.  A sunset?  Too dramatic.  It might be mistaken for the sunset of this diary.  I don’t think I’ll leave without telling you.

A music video link

The picture I chose:

Me, because I’m so vain and I feel invisible and because it’s my diary.

16.  1978.  Arizona.

If I had known then how it was going to work out, would I have kept going onwards?

At sixteen, maybe not.

***

I’m 50 now, and I still don’t know how it’s going to work out.

cue up another Kurt

 

cue up funeral for a friend

***

one picture posted

 

*****