11.11.17

So it might be a product of the wine, or the fact that I’m home alone this weekend, or that my husband is off gallivanting with some other girl in the wilderness til tomorrow…but I figured I’ve had all these thoughts lately that I just needed to get down onto “paper,” as it were.

So work has become mildly troubling lately, mainly because I thought that, over the summer, I’d made a core group of work friends that I could hang out with on a daily basis.  And we did hang out together quite a few times.  But lately…lately it seems like any time I plan anything or want to hang out I inevitably get cancelled on or even ignored.  And, Jesus Christ, I really don’t want to give up on these people because I like them a lot, but I’m just so tired of being disappointed when things don’t go as planned.  Like, is friendship supposed to be this fucking hard?  And why does it seem like I’m the only one trying??  Because it seems like I’m always the only one trying; I’m always the one planning things, and always the only one let down when no one shows up or wants to do anything.  What the fuck???  But I feel like it’s been this way for me my whole life…like I’m always having to work so hard to make friends, and to maintain friends.  Is there something fundamentally wrong with me, so much so that I just can’t seem to keep any of my friendships intact??  I don’t get it….  I mean, I think I’m a likeable person, I think I get along well with most people, so what’s the deal??  So because of my lack of reliable friends I’m always left to go do things by myself, things like going on trips, or hiking, or staying home on a weekend night.  People always look at me weird when I tell them that I like to go hiking by myself.  And why wouldn’t I?  I can convene with nature, listen to music, think about my life and the world around me; contemplate pretty much everything and everyone in general.  Doesn’t anyone else do that?  Am I the only one?  I feel like I’m the only one who does any of the things that I do…

But maybe this is just my baseline. I was always alone growing up so I guess it’s only natural that I would deviate to this.  It’s what I know, it’s what I’m familiar with.  Maybe it actually feels good to be alone and sad; it comes to me so easily and I kinda thrive off of it.  But, I don’t know.  It can’t be normal, probably.

So here I sit, alone watching Kare Kano and drinking wine…much like I used to when I was younger.  I suppose not much has changed since then, even though so much has changed since then.  But I guess, at the core, I really haven’t changed.

Have I?

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