bitter

I think it’s the dysfunctional in me that’s causing me to feel this way.  It’s basically telling me I should just scrap everything and start over.  And I just want to start over so badly.  Everything has gone so very wrong this past year; I feel so sublimated, so stifled…I don’t know what else I can do besides end it.  There’s just something that changed in me recently, so much so that I know, deep down, that it’s going to end.  I know myself only too well.  But I’m married…this isn’t just like breaking up with someone, this is a divorce.  DIVORCE.  What a crazy thing, something I never thought I would be doing certainly.  At least we don’t have too many shared assets, and at least we don’t have kids.  Not like we would have ever had the chance to have kids anyway, what with his lack of getting his shit together and all.  As far as that’s concerned, I told him that I expected him to get a job and work making at least some kind of money while he was here with me in San Diego, but it’s already almost March and he hasn’t done anything.  I told him last December that maybe he should start applying to places so that he could at least get the ball rolling for when he came back, but of course he ignored me.  So now it’s the end of February and he has nothing lined up, no real leads at all, and he’s still mooching off of me, which is basically what he has done for the past six years, six years that I could’ve been investing in myself instead of supporting him.  Yes, I’m bitter.

And I know we’re married, and “for richer and for poorer” and all that (although technically we never used those vows), but when you get married you kind of agree to an unspoken contract that the two of you are going to contribute mutually to the marriage, and that just has not been the case, like at all.  I only told him that I would support him so that he could work on his dissertation during the 2007-2008 school year.  Well, now it’s 2009 and he’s basically doing jack shit.  I’ve gone on to do bigger and better things with travel nursing, essentially doubling my salary and now he isn’t making any money at all.  How is this so unbalanced?  Yes, I’m bitter.

And he skulks around getting mad at me for stupid shit and holding childish grudges about us not having enough sex or whatever.  Well excuse me for not wanting to sleep with someone who I feel doesn’t respect me, or pitch in, or basically make my life any better than what it would be on my own.  I could do better than this, without a doubt.  I can’t even sleep in my own bed because it’s too small and too bouncy with him here, but I am of course the one who has to go sleep on the couch because I’m the one who wakes up when he’s smacking his lips in his sleep and when he’s tossing and turning in bed, because he can sleep through anything.  I can’t.  This is my own friggin apartment that was provided to me for my travel nursing position and I can’t even sleep in my own damn bed.  So I’m basically exhausted all the time.  And he wonders why I don’t feel like having sex ever.  Yes, I’m bitter.

In any case, his mom is coming to visit the second week of March.  We’ll see what she thinks of his lazy days basically doing NOTHING.  So I guess I can’t really do anything or get any sort of ball rolling until after she leaves.  But after she leaves then my friend is coming to town, and then my parents…and they all hate him.  LOL.

I really only wanted him to get his shit together and start contributing to this marriage.  He’s had more than enough time for that.  I think I’ve been more than patient, but my patience is wearing thin.  God knows I’ve been with too many guys who were deadbeats, and I really didn’t want to end up with one, but more and more it’s looking like I have.  So if things don’t change soon I guess I’m out.  I just don’t see what else I can do.

Being here, on my own the first couple of months I was in San Diego was really an eye opener.  I don’t think I’ve been more happy in all of the last couple of years of us being together.  I think that speaks volumes.  I loved being alone.  I still do.

I want that again, and I think I’ll do anything to have it.

I’m just so over this whole damn thing.

YES, I’M BITTER.

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