such a waste

So if you know me you’d probably know that I’m a pretty cynical person, especially after having worked in healthcare for several years.  Hospitals bring out the worst in people, and the system, as it is, is so abused and broken…and sometimes the kids too, by their terribly incompetent or neglectful parents.  It just builds a bitterness in you that can’t be shaken.  Anyway.

Lately I have become even more cynical, but this time moreso in my personal life.  I’ve left my husband behind to go to travel nursing in San Diego, and I did miss him for a little while, although I think the missing was more part of a larger anxiety attack that I was now on my own and less that I was actually missing him.  He just pissed me off and disappointed me so much over the last year that I was glad to get out, I was glad to finally leave.  But the thing I’m trying to convey is that I’ve just put so much stock and so much time & effort into this man, this man that was supposed to be my “other half” as it were.  However, he’s just done nothing but disappoint me and basically leach off my life for the last six years.  He’s done very little to contribute to our relationship, and I feel like the only time he pays attention to me if when he wants sex.  How do you think that makes me feel?  Even on the days leading up to my leaving St. Louis he basically ignored me and just played video games the whole time.  The one night I actually suggested that we go do something he said I should just order delivery because he didn’t want to leave his precious video games.  I mean, what the fuck.

So yes, I’m disappointed…have been for quite some time.  And I think, after having put all of my life and hopes into this one person, and then being so disappointed I’ve just become majorly disillusioned about my marriage, about relationships, and about men in general.  And literally every girl friend of mine is having the exact same issues with their husbands or significant male others.  None of these men have gotten their proverbial “shit” together and have just been leaching off their wives’ or girlfriends’ success and money.  Is that all we are to guys?  Just a pussy and a bank account?  That’s kind of what I feel like a lot of the time.  And I’m fucking sick of it.

I used to be all about romantic movies and movies where the boy and girl find each other despite all odds (like “Serendipity” or “Before Sunrise”, etc), but I’d be wrong in saying I haven’t lost some of the belief in magic that drew me to those kinds of movies in the first place.  I just feel like, no matter how relationships may start out, the guy just always ends up disappointing in the end, just always ends up taking the girl for granted…because that’s how it has always turned out for me.  Ugh.

My husband’s been trying to make a pitiful effort since I got here, because I suppose he senses that I don’t miss him as much as he misses me (although I think he just misses the sex).  He’s texted me quite frequently, and even sent me a care package of all of my favorite foods from St. Louis.  But I ask, where was all this thoughtfulness when I was actually there with him??  It’s almost too little, too late.  I will say that if he’d have made any kind of effort this past summer instead of merely sitting at home and playing video games I probably wouldn’t have left.  But that shit just pisses me off.  Ignoring your very real and present wife for a fake and virtual world is a crock of bullshit.  I was done.

So here I am now, very disillusioned and extremely resentful that this is what he’s done to me.  I used to be so hopelessly romantic and idealistic, but now I think all of that is BS as well.  There’s a lot more to this than what I’ve written here, but this is all I feel like going into for now.  I don’t know.

Does anyone else feel like this?

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November 8, 2018

When I was a girl, I thought marriage was ROMANCE. Now that I am in my 60s I see relationship as work. Both sides have to pull for it to function. It seems younger generations don’t get it. Raised on a diet of Disney and Hallmark movies, they think it is supposed to be natural. It’s not. It takes hard work and dedications and if one partner is absent emotionally it will completely derail it all. Romance is mostly garbage. Love is a whole different thing.

November 8, 2018

If a person is really the most important thing in somebody’s life, they should treat the person that way, I think. I hope things get better for you.