My love life…or lack thereof

I have been divorced since 2005, 13 years now. In that time I have not had one successful relationship. I did the online dating thing which was a disaster. I had so many bad dates I literally blocked them out. I dated one guy for about 3 months. We had sex a few times. It wasn’t very satisfying for me. It says a lot if you enjoy having phone sex more than actual sex with someone. So we broke up shortly thereafter. And I haven’t been on a date since, probably about 10 years now.

So what’s the problem?

What happens is that I pine away for men who are unavailable. Married men. But they are all so great. Their wives are so lucky they have such great husbands. Of course I am not seeing the reality of the situation, I am only seeing my version of reality. I don’t know what happens behind closed doors. But from the outside looking in, they all seem like wonderful guys. They guys I dated all seemed desperate and awkward. All they still wanted to do is get laid yes even at age 50 something, they still just want to get laid now with the help of Viagra. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I want so much more than that in a relationship. Especially at this point.

The guy I am crushing on now is a guy called Andre. He is of Cuban descent. Think Desi Arnaz. He has the same kind of hot blooded passion that Latino men all seem to have. He’s not the tallest guy or the best looking guy but that’s only superficial. It’s his heart and his passion that attract me. He is a musician and an artist (my type, I love creative types because I am so NOT that). His day job is a mailman but at night he’s becomes a different person. He plays in a band, he paints abstracts, he does gong meditations, tarot readings, he is very spiritual in nature. In other words, my perfect man! But he is married and had several teenaged kids. And to all appearances his marriage is solid. So I have no chance with him, at least at this point. I mean things may change in the future but maybe not. So should I keep pining away? I probably will never find another man like Andre. I hate to say that he is the one, but he really is. *sigh*. Why does this keep happening to me? All the guys that I want are already taken, and all the guys that want me, I don’t want.

So today on Facebook I saw that another gong guy that I just recently met is getting a divorce. He is similar in personality to Andre as he is very spiritual but he doesn’t have that fiery passion I so love. He is a very chill guy, very Buddhist, cool and calm, touchy feely, huggy kind of guy. And he is older. Well so am I but he seems older than me. I liked him and now he is available. I keep thinking, it’s the wrong guy that’s getting divorced, it should have been Andre! I know that’s mean but that’s how I felt. So now I am thinking, should I pursue this other guy? Who is very close to what I want and is now available. He isn’t exactly what I want but he will do. Mr. right now? I don’t know. What do YOU think I should do? Keep pursuing someone who may never be available, or pursue someone who is available but not exactly what I want?

Decisions, decisons

A lot of people would say just let nature take its course. Well I have been doing that for 10 years and nothing has happened. So do I now take the bull by the horns? I am not getting any younger. Time is flying by. If I want a relationship, it has to start happening now. What to do,what to do?

TFR

EDIT: Maybe I shouldn’t have used the word “pursue” here, that’s my mistake. People like me and these highly spiritual people are not like everyone else.We are not out to fuck.  What I meant to say is now that he is single again, should I make it known that I am interested? Like I said I left it up to fate for 10 years and nothing has happened. I barely know the guy too, I only met him briefly for like 5 minutes, so of course I would like to get to know him better. I already know Andre very well and he is perfect for me but again, not available. That’s really what I was asking.