Its funny how things change so quickly…its been three weeks exactly that Alex held me in his arms and told me how important I was to him and how much he loved me. Today our conversation consisted of vicious voices and alot of ruffled feathers to make both of us look bigger and scarier to one another to show that we were serious. He threatened to call the cops because I was at his store and there wasnt anything he could do about it and I threatened to bring his business under with a few phone calls. Neither of us wanted to see the other. I know for sure that I wouldnt b able to bare seeing him again and I think he feels the same about me.
Carol compared Alex to a child molester or gihadist. She said sometimes people are so sick and their thoughts are so irrational that any normal person wouldnt b able to understand and she told me that I would have to learn to live without closure and not ask him questions while expecting truthful answers. Hes a lie machine that is so used to habitually lying that he isnt even certain what is the truth. She said he lacks the guilt and compassion that I felt while juggling alex and alok. She said its prof that Im not a terrible person like Alex. She said there was no way he would ever be sitting in a therapists office talking about right and wrong and worrying about how he had done things. She said the fact that I had guilt and was sitting in her office was proof that I was just an every day sinner and not a anitsocial personality disorder like alex. She said Alex is a sickness and that he will never change. Also that people like him live in momentary happiness and long term self destruction. He will never be truly happy and needs multiple women to coddle his needs and make him feel inferior and that he may even enjoy the rush. I can tell that these words are going to be the salvation and way that Im gonna survive the devestation of this heartbreak. He is just sick like a disease that cant be treated and I just need to think of him as a dead evil that I dont want instead of the man that I love but could never have to keep. The sad truth? I still love him and cant seem to move past that small detail. Even if I was loving a hologram of the real person and someone fake that someone projected, that hologram is gone and I dont know what to do about it