I have been saying to myself for the last 9 moths every time I am upset or high that I should start a diary….this seemed the best way of all my options. What changed today? I decided to smoke a bowl after a long, emotional and cranky day work. Being apart from alex the last 19 days has been the most excrutiating thing that I have done in probably my entire life. Some days are harder than others and some days I barely thinkI about him at all. Today, however, everything reminds me of him and how we fell in love from the promise of summer coming and remembering the cabin last summer that we shared to Lisa telling me that her date the other night rubbed her feet and legs and remembering how alex used to do that for me and how he rubbed my bad shoulder every single night til I fell asleep. I cant imagine life without him and I cant seem to wrap my mind around why he did what he did. All of this combined with shitty and ignorant customers all day paired for the need to smoke a bowl. What I didnt expect is the panic attack that came from this need…
I was one of those fools that thought that the love I shared with my bf, Alex was unchartered feelings that not a single other person in this whole world would understand how I felt or had experienced what I was feeling. Our love was so strong it made every other couple’s love dull in my head. We were special. We met online in late July, 2011. It was a new website that I had never heard of before and I had just left my bf of 12 years in early July. He was verbally abusive and the relationship left me feeling the need to be emotionally coddled and physically validated. As a result, I slept with 8 people and tripled the number of men that id ever been with in just that month alone. I was a tornado of self destruction and starting to feel hopeless. Right about then, I stumbled onto Alex who held me in his arms and left me feeling warm and fuzzy; desirable. We laughed in ways that I hadnt before and we told each other everything and that first month meant everything to me. Alex became my center of my dark and terrible world. I had other friends and was talking to other guys. We decided to spend the weekend of my birthday in Hocking Hills in a cabin. It was the most romantic thing that I had ever done and I realized then that I was falling for him and started to try to prevent in.
The early days for me and Alex was quite an emotional rollercoaster. I had been talking to a man in Dubai whom I loved dearly and who was like a best friend, therapist and pen pal rolled into one. We video chatted and phone called for a substantial amount of time daily and IM’d constantly. The problem was that we had never met…he had tried desperately to get a visa approval (hes indian) or a job transfer to the US but couldnt seem to do it. We had decided in July that I should visit him in Dubai and set a date for around my birthday. Well then I met alex and my friend in Dubai had schedule complications so my Dubai trip got postponed and Alex and I continued to see each other, got closer and I fell in love with him. It was a growing love that I was confused about and wanted to deny.
September came and went and Alex and I continued to date casually. In October, I announced that Alok had finally bought my plane ticket and I was due to be in Dubai in Late October and to come home on Halloween. When I said this, Alex begged me to not go, making claims that it was unsafe. Then, as I was at the airport, he said to me that he felt like a part of him was leaving and that he was sad. He then asked me to be loyal. Meanwhile, I had already stopped seeing anyone else in this country except for him in mid Augus without saying anything. I was on a mission to tie up loose ends and see if I felt anything in person for this guy in Dubai, who so generously offered me an all expense paid trip to dubai. In the end, I paid for the hotel and nothing else the whole time I was there. What I found, was that Alok was still my best friend and I was feeling guilty. I explored my connection with Alok with kissing and foreplay but never made it to actual intercourse. Finally, Alok went thru my phone while I was sleeping and found Aex begging me to be faithful and me saying how greatly I missed him. I think Alok understood this as the beginning of the end of a year and a half long friendship. I returned home and missed both men. I was an emotional wreck from the fights in Dubai to missing Alex. He didnt greet me at home like I had hoped he would and I was lost without him.
Once I did see alex for the first time upon coming back from dubai, he brought his friend Fred who wanted me to get my laptop and play a certain MJ song he like to dance to. While my laptop was open, Alok pinged in as was saved as "my love" on yahoo. Alex saw it and asked to talk to me. Once on the porch, he told me that he knows that I have feelings for someone else and he wanted to leave. I told Alex that i didnt want him to go but I wasnt going to beg him to stay. Then I cried. They were real heartfelt tears because I loved him and I was scared. I was scared because I realized that I loved him so soon, because I wasnt sure what our relationship was or what this meant for Alok, and I had no idea how Alex felt for me. I just knew with certainty that I wasnt done loving him, I just couldnt bear the thought of letting him go or watching him leave. This night was the first mistake that I can see that I made. If I could, I would go back and let him leave. If I couldnt watch him walk away, then I should have been honest and told him that Alok was a dear friend that was in deep love with me and whom I loved dearly. I wuld have told him that the trip to Dubai was an exploratory trip that revealed Aloks inability to stay erect and our complete lack of connection. I should have told him that I was going to bring Alok here to visit for a week and to make sure. I was so worried that I was gonna make a mistake and tell my dear friend that I didnt want to be with him in a romantic sense before I was sure that I couldnt b with him in that way. I had to be sure! But, instead I lied. I should have told him everything but I was a coward….I told him that Alok meant nothing and was just a lonely friend. Ahhhh, if I could just go back.