This is my first sober entry. Im usually stoned, but today Im too sick to smoke.  I guess I should explain what happened with Alex when he got the bright idea to go thru my phone. I had already quit talking to all the guys that lived around here. I was planning on going back to dubai in April because I had the means, motive and opportunity and I wanted to be sure that the 2 yr relationship that I had developed with Alok was really done. I just wasnt sexually attracted to him and I think a part of him felt the same way but didnt know what to do about it. It was all coming down to the harsh fact that I wanted Alex and noone else.

When Alex went thru my phone, he didnt find any incriminating texts or photos, so he got into my facebook and decided to message Alok. Alex sent Alok his yahoo id and invited him to chat. It was disasterous. Both men were mad even though they knew about each other and I had to choose right then who to be with. I chose to stay with Alex and block Alok from every part of my existence. He was so cut off from me, we wouldnt know if the other had lived or died from that moment out. Alex seemed at peace with the decision at first. However, when he came to visit me 2 days later he told me that he had just come to spend one more night with me to say goodbye. It was the worst experience ever. I chose him and even though he was sleeping with other people, he couldnt forgive me. It was like my heart was being shredded right inside my chest and I was dying! He went to leave and when he hugged me, he started to sob. Right then, I knew he loved me and I couldnt bear to lose him. We were meant to be together and I had one chance to give us a clean slate and start over. I was due to leave for Miami in a week and if he could just take that time to get rid of the other girls, we would b golden. Blank slate and start from scratch. I told him how much I loved him and begged him to work it out. He couldnt bear to leave and wanted me as much as I wanted him. Things were going to work, or we were going down in a fiery crash together.

I went away for vacation over easter weekend. When I came back, things were amazing. Alex said he stopped seeing other girls and was coming to see me every other night. If he came on monday he would leave tuesday and come back wednesday. I was so in love and never happier!! I missed Alok but that sacrifice was so worth being this happy. I had no idea Alex could make me love him any more but I loved him more and more without reserve every single day. We bantered via text messages during the day and made love 9 and 10 times a night. This is how life is supposed to be! We went to the zoo on the saturday we came back and his phone went dead. He asked me to put it on charge for him and I just wanted to be sure that he was as sure as I was. Text messages looked good. Calls? Missed and outgoing to Jackie…still.

Two weeks after I came back from Miami, he told me that he didnt want to see me anymore and he couldnt get past what I had done. I said "Alex, what about the fact that ur still talking to Jackie?" I think u need to come here and we can talk about things and if u still want to leave then go ahead. I convinced him to come see me and he told me that no matter what he was leaving the next morning, Wednesday because he had stuff to do at work and was supposed to go to NC to see his sister on Thursday morning. Well he stayed for the Living Treasures animal park, and an amazing dinner and all night wednesday night. He left thursday morning after taking me into his arms and telling me that he loved me and would see me soon. I never saw him again…

A week went by before I heard from him. I knew he wasnt gonna have cell service at his sisters and finally, on monday, I got an email with 4 pics attached of him playing with his neice. One pic was of the 2 of them sleeping and it was so beautiful that I cried. I missed him terribly and I wanted nothing more that his baby girl and I wanted her to look just like that baby in the picture. The following day he was texting me all day and telling me that he had a cold and I talked to him for an hr on the phone while he was driving back to what I thought was his boss’s house. We ended the call and I could tell something wasnt right even though he still told me he loved me. On wednesday, by 4pm, I still hadnt heard from him, which was odd since I texted and asked about his cold twice. He texted and said he didnt want to see me again and to leave him alone.

I had enough so I facebooked Jackie and wanted to see what she knew. It turns out that Jackie, the girl I was endlessly suspicious of was his girlfriend. His real girlfriend over me, anyway. He had been seeing her for 3 1/2 years and I had only been around for 9 months. I was endlessly questioning him and asking him to get rid of her and he knew I was getting close. I had forced him to make the same choice between me and Jackie that I had to make between him and Alok and he chose her. He chose her because she never questioned him and unfailingly put up with his cheating. He wasnt faithful to her for a single day if the stories about the other girls and the timelines were correct. He makes me sick!

Jackie was upset but was nonchalant about how hurt she was and seemed more mad than hurt. I guess thats her defense mechanism. She wanted to see him on more time. I knew I was done with him and I just wanted to make him miserable. I agreed that she could lure him to her house to make him sorry for what he did and to say a final goodbye. That was thursday night and they agreed to work things out. I just wanted to see him miserable and hurting the way I was. I still do. I didnt think that the emotion of hate was in me and could ever be applied to anyone, however, I really do hate him. Im convinced that the world would b a better place without him in it. I would be very happy if he were dead because then he couldnt b happy.

Log in to write a note