So, my therapist wants me to keep a journal called the year of me. Im going to a therapist because I want to be a better person. Kind of like life coach for me. I fell bad in a way because I take up an hr a week of a very busy and important lady to whine about my life and getrs mad when she tells me what I need to hear. I have this girl in me that feels that she needs a man all the time. I need attention by men that I find attractive or need to b loved at all times. I need to feel desirable. I think this girl in me developed because of so many years of being told that I was fat, ugly and stupid for so many years from Scott. Deep down, he tore out my self esteem and left me feeling that noone could ever want me. Now I need to feel at all times that everyone wants me and I cant handle this feeling of someone not liking me or not being interested in me. I will actually even talk to guys that Im not interested in just to have them around. Im on a dating site gathering men right now. I wont sleep with them all but Ill text them and never meet them til they get tired of just being kept around and leave. I just like to text people that I know want to be with me just so I dont feel lonely but Im always looking for that special one that I can like as much as they like me. I want a bf so freaking bad. I liked this guy Jeremy but now he wont text or call me back and I dont know what to think. Maybe hes mad or doesnt like me after all…bummer!
The year of me is supposed to run from now to 12 months from now and its supposed to b about improving myself since thats what Im paying her for lol! So I wanted things to happen like moving if that what we r gonna do, to not needing a man, to feeling ok to b by myself, to getting out and learning a new trick, doing a new hobby and focusing on me. The same time that we r making these plans because Im getting irritated by thinking about not having a man for a whole year. I dont want to do that! WHat pisses me off even further is that I know its that damaged little girl that Im paying to get rid of speaking loudly and controlling my actions. SO I go to therapy to not listen to her advice or learn anything but yet I dont know how to change it. Im not sure who is ineffective at this point. Me or Carol? Either way Im not sure progress is being made. I moved out of scotts because he was abusive but that was under the pretense that I was going to be with Alok someday or idk if I would have been brave enough to do so if not for him. I broke it off with Alex because he didnt want to be with me so I tried to take down his whole life. I hated being the one of 9 girls rejected. I wanted him to drop all of them and be with me because after 9 months of being with him and starting to only want him more and more, I deserved it.And here I am on this stupid dating site and not satisfied because the people that I want or Jeremy, doesnt want me. Im sad, depressed and lonely. Now I have teary eyes and I told myself that I was gonna b stronger than this. ugh…ya the year of me sounds like a phenomenal emotional rollercoaster to embark in