If I didn’t already have extreme anxiety this pregnancy would have been the cause of it existing. I’ve already struggled with anxiety for ages though, so it’s nothing new. It’s just – more extreme, worse than normal and NOT getting better.
There is nothing joyful about being pregnant currently. My therapist had asked if I was finding joy in the things that should be joyful/celebrated/etc. Ummmm, no? There isn’t much/any joy when the level of fear is intense – when you’re constantly waiting for the bottom to fall out. I feel like every day I have a test, I’m just waiting for someone to tell me the absolute worst. To realize the pregnancy is over and the baby is gone.
Today I did a repeat HCG test. Again. This number was so pretty those first 5 weeks. Doubling perfectly. Now, now it’s just slowly rising and in no hurry to go up. Last Friday it was 8,509. This Friday – 11,178. It seriously did not even go up 3,000 points in a week. Like exactly a week down to the minute of the blood draw. WTF? 11,000ish isn’t that good at 7 weeks pregnant. Not doubling isn’t good at 7 weeks pregnant. I found a chart that “normal” levels at 7 weeks are 4,059 – 153,767. “Normal” levels at 8 weeks are 31,366 – 149,094. There is no way in hell I’ll be at 31,000 next week if it’s only increasing by an average of 381 points per day. What in the fuck is wrong with me? This basically would indicate that the placenta isn’t putting off enough HCG and well, that too generally indicates a miscarriage is imminent.
My ultrasound isn’t until 4 p.m. today. I may be seriously insane by then. I have been doing okay waiting for today, not too stressed, just hanging out. Seeing that number put me right back into the fear of the fact my baby could be gone. I’m praying so hard that she’s measuring 7 weeks by now and continues to have a strong heart beat. Yet, I feel like I need to be prepared to hear that she stopped growing days ago and has no heartbeat. *sigh* I wish I could just be excited and happy. Instead, it feels like I’m just waiting for the worst. I hate it.
If, by some miracle, my ultrasound is good today – I’ll just accept my HCG is NOT normal and it’s doing whatever it wants to do. I’d assume “normal” people without issues don’t even get this many lab tests and we don’t know all that much exactly what the levels do after a certain point. If this wasn’t an IVF baby my doctor would have simply confirmed pregnancy and never checked them again. I still wish it would get higher though so I felt like it was doing good enough.
Symptom-wise – I definitely still feel 100% pregnant today. I was SURE my HCG would be way higher with how bad the nausea has returned the last couple days and the extremely sore breasts. The nausea has been creeping back with a vengeance over the last few days. I went to sleep wanting to puke last night and woke up all night wanting to puke. Plus, LOTS of extra bathroom trips. So, I had absolutely expected higher numbers today. Now I’m back to just being frustrated and terrified.
Obviously, I need to stay away from google – Yet, I like to just face the reality – And well, google says that low-rising HCG numbers are a sign a pregnancy will not be viable. Not what I wanted to read, but what my mind already knew.
On a positive note, I had ZERO spotting or bleeding yesterday. So far – nothing today, but the day is early. However, this is definitely the longest I’ve made it in a week without bleeding. Progress I guess. Though, I am still going to just pout that the HCG levels weren’t what I wanted.
I wish I could just fast forward to the moment I’m holding my sweet baby in my arms and this nightmare is over.
Just another 6.5 hours or so before I get my ultrasound and hopefully hear a heartbeat. I’ll just keep praying. So hard. Please let this sweet girl be okay today – forever.