A little of everything.

So many changes. So much to write about. Yet, so little time.

I feel like I just can’t get caught up in life. There is so much going on and I can’t handle living in the chaos or the mess of this house. So, instead of writing or sharing my feelings I’m simply trying to scrub them away. Constantly.

It shouldn’t be this complicated living alone. Yet, it has been. I hate clutter of any kind. With all the changes I swear life feels like a cluttered, fucking mess. I don’t even have time for this right now. Yet, I’m laying on the shower floor for a few minutes of regrouping before I try to sleep fast as I open at the cafe in the morning. I’m going to be freaking exhausted but I needed a shower. Badly.

Where to begin?

I took vacation with my idiotic government job starting 5/23 – 6/30. We had no work to do. Literally, sit in an office and stare at a wall as all of our caseload was transferred to the new company. It’s ridiculous.

I had a job offer and they offered too much to turn down. More than what I asked for. Especially if I’d start sooner than 7/1. Yes please. With that, I joined the competition. The company that took my old job. They couldn’t pay me enough to do the same position. So, instead I was hired to be one of 3 Regional Supervisors in the State. Beating what the State had offered me in promotions had they got the contract. The money is crazy. The job – also crazy. Currently, I’m definitely earning the money and working my ass off for it. 2 weeks in and my duties are insane. Interviewing candidates for other positions and offering jobs, managing a team, when I barely know my own job. I love it though. God, I’ve worked my ass off to get this far in life.

I’ve given up on Max. Now. Now that I’ve given up he has regrets. He doesn’t want anyone else. He wants us. Seriously. I told him that final time he was losing the best thing he ever had. I wish he’d of realized that then. Before now. Before it feels too late. I just shake my head. I’ve had so much personal growth I know in my head I can’t go back. I know he’ll never need the growth I need in my life. Yet, in my heart I still love him. So freaking much. It sucks. I’ll always love him I’m sure. What we had was special. We created a life together, a baby. We lost our sweet baby and that was the turning point in losing our life together too. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t feel the deep feelings I felt. He will never miss her like I do. It’s over. Yet, I love him. It sucks. I’m trying the friend route as I just can’t imagine him in my life. No contact with him wasn’t for me. I want to see him succeed. Make a life. Maybe I hope one day he’ll grow up. Yet, I know, deeply, he won’t. This is adult to him. I still feel he’s on the autism spectrum and that’s why he can’t feel. Why he’s so oblivious. I’ve said a million times – he’s the smartest stupidest person I’ve ever met. That will never change. Friends is okay. Healthy? I’m not sure. But it’s okay.

I’ve been dating someone for nearly two months now. Initially, we just went on a couple days. Eventually, leading to a conversation of exclusively dating and seeing where it went. This week he asked if I’d be his girlfriend. What do you say to that? I have no interest in dating anyone else. I genuinely like him. I’m willing to see where it goes. So, I said yes. Dating at 40 is just weird. I can’t remember the last time someone asked me to be their girlfriend. With Max, at 36 – it just happened and was assumed. Before that I was married for a lifetime and again, it just slowly happened in my early 20s and again, was assumed.

This guy is genuinely nice. Too nice. Has a good job. Too good. Has a dog and treats her amazing. Too amazing. Has a house – decent house. Doesn’t go out. Doesn’t drink 24/7 or do drugs. Has adult children and makes time for them. Eats healthy. Treats me like a freaking Queen. Makes me a priority even when I try to push him away.

He’s been super open and honest the whole time. He doesn’t cause me anxiety. He goes out of his way to make me happy. Red flags – None really. I gave him my standard – tell me your red flags speech. It didn’t scare him away. Instead, he spent a week texting me when he felt he remembered a red flag. None of it was really bad. Just honest. He likes legos was an example of one. Ha.

I’m not used to this though. I want to run. I want to be the Avoidant in this case. It’s too good to be true. I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out. Yet, it doesn’t fall out. It just gets better. The niceness is what scares me. Makes me want to run. I’m used to chaos. Anger. Drama. Not peace and feeling happy and only happy when we’re together. We have a ton of mutual friends but had never met. Every single one told me how great he is. Like no negatives. He’s biggest drawback – He’s short. But still taller than my short ass. And he’s nice. Too nice. Who would have thought I’d fault someone for that. My only goal is not to run. To really see where it goes and continue taking it slow.  My therapist says I can’t bail because he treats me right. So, we’ll just see.

I’m adjusting to living alone. I’m getting used to it. I just wish I could keep my house more organized. The new job and creating a home office really took a toll. I painted and decorated like an insane person. Getting behind in life. Still working both jobs. It’s freaking exhausting but until I get a check from this place and determine how much take home pay is I don’t have a choice. I like money too much anyways to quit waiting tables.

Still coaching the shooting team until nationals is over. One more month. Thank God. I’m over it and over raising money. I’m simply spread too thin.

And, in the end, I simply miss my baby girl. More than a person who has never experienced the loss of a child can imagine. I think of her daily. I dreamt of her the other night – getting to hold her and tell her how perfect she was. She had beautiful dark hair. A perfect nose. Beautiful cheeks. Gorgeous eyes. She was a perfect baby. It’s the clearest I’ve ever saw her. The most time I’ve got in a dream with her. To think I’ll never experience holding her on this earth. It hurts. Deeply. I don’t wish the pain away though as that would be wishing her away. I’ve began just to embrace it. To sit and think “Today Annabelle would be over 2 months old. She’d be smiling. Maybe talking. Cuddling with me.” She was a lucky baby. She only knew love. She only knew how hard I fought to save her. To stay pregnant. To keep her alive.

I’m struggling with what to do with my last embryo. I’ve kept him. I want to give him a shot. He’s mine. All mine. Yet, I don’t want to go through the pain of another loss. I don’t want to go through another IVF transfer to get a negative pregnancy test. How do you explain to a guy you’re dating – hey, by the way, I’m going to get knocked up and it won’t be yours and it’s fully planned. Part of me feels like I should just quietly do it. Not telling anyone. If it works and this baby survives, he’s meant to be. If it doesn’t, he’s not meant to be. The end. This is the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make.

Now, I’ve touched on everything and need to sleep. I’m running out of time.

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