I’m slowly adjusting to the new normal in our house. It’s been tough. I’m sure it will be for a long while. I’ve been working on simply having “hard” conversations with myself. Less acting on impulse. More deep digging on WHY I have an impulse and processing. Why in the world do I feel it’s a good idea to social work myself?
I want a full house. Like I’m absolutely obsessed with having people. Not out in public. I don’t like those people. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like chaos. Yet, in my own home I crave it. Like I want to build my own, busy little world and live happily ever after. Yet, it’s never enough. I ammass people. I ammass animals. Yet, when the newness wears off. When I realize it didn’t cure that feeling in my soul – I want more and the cycle repeats
Like I’m continuously trying to fill a void. However, I don’t even know what that void is. Obviously, I should work on figuring out this before the next person or animals arrives as I KNOW they won’t solve this feeling either. It’s a struggle tho. Huge struggle.
There have always been people. Always. I managed to have 3 kids by the time I was 20. From that moment on I was busy. I never had to be alone. I always had my children to care for, even when I was a child myself. This month marks 20 years from that very first baby at 16. That’s two decades with a LOT of people and a lot of things that had to be done.
The problem is – It’s slowing down. My entire life I’ve had to care for someone. Now we’re about down to me. One child left for 2 more years and then me. What am I going to do with myself? It’s bizarre.
I never prepared for this moment. I worked my ass off to graduate from high school a semester early – With two kids. I worked like crazy to pay the bills, take care of these babies and get an associates degree. Next up was being so busy with sports, dance, plays, school work to barely breathe. Then they started to not need me as much. To not want to hang out. So, I threw myself into my career and then this bachelors degree.
Now in a month I’ll have the bachelors degree, I’ll have the career and I’ll have only one (16 year old) child at home. What in the world? I’ve never had this much time for me and it’s a process. It’s like I need to learn stuff I should have at 20 – But I didn’t have time for it. So here I am. With no coping skills of being alone or taking care of myself.
I very seriously debated beginning my Masters degree right away. Why not? I’m working on adjusting to the fact I need to just work on me for awhile. I need to slow down. I need to breathe. I need to simply give my last child all of me and not spend my time being overly busy or digging for new problems to solve.
It is eerily quiet without Zak. One thing I’ve noticed – the lack of chaos. No yelling, no slamming doors, no screaming, no fighting. I miss him like crazy. I really do. But I don’t think I realized how chaotic he made life until he was gone. I was use to it. I’d been fighting him my whole adult life. I wish somehow I could have the good part of him back. Forever. But not that angry, moody child.
In the end I’ve made it another week in trying to adjust to my new normal and I haven’t crawled out of my skin. Yet. (Though I may want to.)