Another day. Another week of crappy answers.
The biopsy came back fine. Thankfully. I should be thrilled, but I honestly wasn’t really worried that it wouldn’t.
Then it popped up that I had more results. Waiting for the AMH and logged in – Well, THAT was depressing. New levels – .45. Seriously. It was .9 3 1/2 months ago. I’ve taken the supplements. I’ve been working on what I was supposed to. It should have went UP. Not cut in half. The tears began instantly. My doctor called a few minutes later, he was obviously trying to beat me to reading it in the portal. Too late. He’s sorry and has no idea. Wished me luck with the RE.
I needed it higher. Not lower. Somewhere I read below .7 means you might not even respond to stims efficiently. .9 was at least hopeful. .45 is flat depressing. I have no idea. None. I meet with the fertility clinic in less than 2 weeks and guess I’ll ask them WTF and if they can give me any ideas to up that number. Learn what the statistical rate is with that number. Determine the game plan.
While bawling yesterday – I was just angry. Angry I’m doing everything right and it doesn’t matter. Angry I have to fix my diet, avoid alcohol, take a million supplements – all for what is potentially nothing. Angry that this isn’t easy. I had a few hours of thinking I should just give up. That we’re going to spend thousands on NOTHING. That it will be devastating to do all of this and end up with nothing. I can rationalize a huge debt if I have a beautiful human to love. But a huge debt AND no human? That will break me.
Eventually I snapped out of this. Kind of. I’m still not sure. I’d still like to cry. But that obviously isn’t going to accomplish anything.
I have a few game plans in my head. I need to determine which game plan is best. I’m hoping the RE can lead me in the right direction. I know ultimately this clinic does what you want to do, but I’d like statistics and at least pointed in what the best path could be.
Game Plan 1 – Retrieval with immediate fresh transfer. Honestly, with my AMH I’m going to be lucky to get 1 – 2 embryos at this point. Someone with similar numbers mentioned they were told they’d get 3. If I only have 1 – 2 and Fresh Transfer is included in the price… I feel like if those numbers are real I should simply transfer and pray for the best. However, we won’t have them PGT tested then. They may have a less chance of taking. Frozen transfers have a slightly higher success rate as your body has time to recover from retrieval. Transferring right away will also mean staying about 5 days. Financially – It makes sense just to do it. Success wise – It doesn’t make the most sense.
Game Plan 2 – Accept the fact we’re going to need more than one retrieval to have any decent number of eggs and hopefully embryos. Do retrieval and return straight home and prepare for a 2nd and possibly 3rd retrieval. Take the risk of freezing any embryos from the first 1 or 2 rounds. And after round 2 or 3, thaw, biopsy and PGT test all. Wait patiently, pray at least 2 come back “normal” and eventually transfer. Once we have the embryos the transfer isn’t quite the same rush as it’s just saving these eggs before it’s too late and time matters. Once they’re frozen and waiting it’s far better. This plan would cost a good $20,000+ more but it’s the end success that matters.
I’m really torn between these two. I keep reminding myself this process requires patience. I need to not rush it and accept the facts, the medical information and go with the best route to have success. I’m sure the professionals can give me their advice, best case scenarios, statistics and then I need to choose the best one for us.
In the meantime – All I can do is continue to embrace healthy and recommendations. I’m so angry I feel like I’m doing it all for nothing. Yet, it’s for something. Right? I’m looking between the Keto and Carnivore Diets as these seem to be recommended for infertility. Continuing to not drink. Though at this point, not drinking hasn’t one and I’d like to go back to an occasional beer. Supplements. Continue with no coffee (how I miss coffee). Figure out a mindfulness, mental, healthy approach. I somehow need to make time for that part in my life – Yoga, meditation, breathing. Finding the positives in life. I know mind plays a huge role and this being super angry isn’t helping. So, I need to find this balance and get over the anger, embrace the process, be happy.
It’s a work in progress. I feel like I’ll feel far better once I have a plan. I’m a planner. This no control thing really throws me for a loop. (And feeling miserable from this last round of Clomid is NOT helping matters.)
Soon, soon we’ll have a plan. Hopefully just a couple more weeks.