Another Day, Another Ramble

I’m tired but have more cleaning to do. So I’m smoking a cigarette instead. Makes sense.

I spoke to Jessie a therapist I happen to really love and do a lot of work with briefly after my last post. I’d previously asked if seeing me was a conflict. Living in a rural area makes everything a conflict really. She responded she’d be happy to see me and would make it work. Do I need therapy? I don’t know – I need these thoughts to go away and doing therapy on myself isn’t going to well. It’s like I’m just picking off all these scabs and leaving open wounds everywhere. Generally, I can process it all myself but it seems we’ve reached a point that’s too much.

Zak’s behavior depends on the day. He seems more positive lately but I’m worried it’s just a phase and will all be crashing down again soon. Like a manic episode where everything feels great. He doesn’t want to do any programs or ideas I’ve had. None. Zero. Instead he’s decided an oilfield job will be great. Ummm really? The money is great but the work is hard. One wrong move. One tired drive home. One bad decision. And it’s deadly. For someone with a death wish I guess that doesn’t matter. My first husband died on an oil rig not even two years after our divorce at 30 years old. Of course I’m hesitant. It is what it is. But it’s a hard life. He’s saw it firsthand. I guess he knows what he’s getting into.

My mom is making me insane lately. I refuse to revolve my life around her. Healthy boundaries is the best thing I’ve ever done with her. So she just sits at home and throws fits and makes rude comments. Well, she doesn’t even sit at home. She goes places constantly with her biker friends. But when she’s home we all get to hear about it. My dad sent me a friend request on Facebook. I accepted it and nicely told him I was so he could see the kids, etc. Nothing big or exciting. I did tell my Grandma about it as she’s asked about him over the years. My mom and daughter were both at my grandparents the other day and my daughter was talking to my Grandma. Mom catches wind of this and goes into “I didn’t know because nobody tells me anything” rant. She didn’t really need to know. I don’t talk to her regularly as I can’t do the negativity. She never has anything nice to say about my dad. Yes, he’s a loser but I don’t need to hear about it. My mom forgets she was also a loser. I 100% believe in not talking negative about the other parent with the kids and that goes into adulthood. I’m not interested in how she was wronged – Because he was wronged too if you REALLY want to go there. And really in the end I was the one wronged by both of them as a child. So, don’t talk shit – No, I didn’t tell you. No need. Not relevant.

My daughter is finally moving out. Finally. I kept Jax while she worked on moving and my mom was making her crazy. Like not helping just camped out to be there on her phone sitting on the floor. Ummm? No. So I was nice and FaceTimed her offering to let her come play with Jaxon on his swing set so I could do stuff. She never came. Never helped the move. Continued to sit there until she left crying for some unknown reason. But continues to complain she never gets to see Jax. Ummm, lady, I just offered? No we aren’t spending Easter together. She wants to go eat out at noon. I’m cooking for dinner time as everyone is working in my house. Not a big deal.

It’s just toxic. Negative. Misery. Nothing is ever good enough. When she is around she’s on her phone. I’m good. I like living peacefully away. Once the daughters out I’ll hopefully hear less as that’s where lots of the whining and complaining comes from. She’s constantly harassing her. Somedays with novels about how she should do this or that because of everything she did for her previously. (You can’t voluntarily help people and then throw it in their face. Nope. You can’t.). I guess I’m saved more because she has a new victim. I do feel for my kid tho and often just tell her not to respond. I think the lady thrives from responses and drama.

Who knows. I need to go fold that laundry though so I can go sleep.