Sigh. People and their shitty ass choices are too much for me. Why?
I get life’s hard. I understand trauma bonds better than many. I get the domestic violence cycle and returning. I lived it. I physically beat it. (Emotionally I’ll always be working on beating it I feel.) But to return repeatedly, to allow awful things, to endanger your child. I do not understand. I was okay to being abused myself at one point but I’d do everything to protect my kids. To save them for potential awful fate. Not having protective measures for your child is something I cannot grasp. I’d sell my soul to have a child right now. Maybe that’s why it’s especially sensitive.
My coworker has continued to stay here. No, it isn’t ideal for me. But I’ve been helping her find her own rental and I like knowing her son is taken care of. It’s all about healing and helping her learn to be the best mom she could be. So, I’m making it work.
Then baby daddy gets to town today. She basically allows him to take their son. Knowing he has now twice grabbed in and ran to different states. Knowing he’s high. Knowing he’s unstable. I mention she had to call the police and have him checked. I’ve read his messages and listened to his calls. He is NOT stable. He is high. High, desperate people are unpredictable. No, she’s waiting to call. Why? Why would you allow this? Trust me, I’d love his dad to be capable of taking care of him. But he needs a SAFE dad. Meanwhile, dad is texting me with paranoia and alleging he knows she’s still using too. Crazy ramblings that she’s as bad as him. I told him I’m Team Kid. I don’t care about them but they’ve got to put their son first. He replies… I really hope you are Team Kid. He’ll need it.
I’m done. I quit. I made the dreaded call to CPS. Do I want their son to be taken away? Absolutely not. But they’ve got to do something or he deserves to be in a safer environment. He isn’t a pawn. I have no idea who’s high and who isn’t. I’ve saw enough instability, drug use and choices that aren’t protecting this child that I can’t just sit back and wait. I’m a mandatory reporter. I feel I’ve waited too long as it is. I know our state prefers to keep the kids in the home. So, I’m really hoping this can just be a resource to help them. To encourage them to work on themselves and quit the bullshit. If not, sadly the kid deserves more. I’m fairly confident CPS will be calling tomorrow to follow-up.
She hasn’t returned tonight. But I expected that and it just further proves the problem. She’s going to end up the victim of a murder suicide at this rate. I imagine he’s said she couldn’t leave the apartment (that has almost nothing in it as he took it all already and they’re being evicted) with their son. And I’m assuming she simply agreed. It’s a freaking disaster. But, I guess it’s time to lay down the law. If she’s going to keep going back she can’t stay here. I’d like to be a safe landing spot, but I can’t do it forever. She can’t just come and go. I can’t have his energy near me. I can’t have the stress of a child I have no control over. I just can’t help someone that can’t/won’t help themselves and won’t protect their child.
So, that’s that.
We’ve got our fertility consult next week. It’s crazy it’s already here. The insurance packet was uploaded today. They won’t pay for ANYTHING. I already knew this but thought I’d be able to get the monitoring appointments covered at least. Nope. Not with the code being used. Could they change the codes? I have no idea. But I’ve accepted every last dime will come from my pocket. Ughhhhhh. I need to sell my soul, or pictures of my feet or maybe just an OnlyFans. This is ridiculous. People can have millions of babies that they can’t take care of, can’t protect, can’t afford…. All with Medicaid Dollars. Yet, there’s no insurance mandates for people who truly want and would love a child. So stupid.
But it is what it is. I knew going in it would be expensive. But you can’t put a price on completing your family. Of feeling complete in your heart.
One more week and we’ll be closer to a plan.
This cycle should end about the same day. Literally. Maybe we could get lucky and have a miraculous BFP right before then. I’m not holding my breath but sounds amazing. If only. So far all charts are looking nice. But I’m only 8 DPO. We will see what it looks like come day 10, 12, 14. Basically 6 days and we will know if the final Hail Mary round of clomid worked or if IVF really is it.
I’m anticipating IVF as the winner go that battle.