My therapist said to journal. So here I am. She was impressed I already do, but said to do it more regularly. Honestly. Openly.
The truth – Today I don’t want to. Today I just want to crawl in a whole and die. I’ve felt like that for 8 days tho. 8 long, excruciating days.
My heart hurts. Physically hurts. Yesterday I felt numbness like literal tingly numbness in my chest and neck. It’s normal. Part of the anxiety, part of the trauma, part of the the hurt. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. When I do I have awful nightmares. Terrifying. That’s normal too. She says my brains been living with trauma for 14 years and it doesn’t know how to cope with the breaks in it. Seriously. She asked me how it felt to say I have been a victim. It feels awful. How did I do this for 14 years? Obviously she’s went straight to a PTSD Diagnosis. Who knows what else.
I finally told him I wanted a divorce last Thursday. After more awfulness. After more screaming. After him tell me he’s more important than the kids. My son was so sick. Life flighted. Your more important? He continued to scream every name out there and I simply said I wanted a divorce. He screamed he did too, he hated me, I was fat, I was ugly, I was a cunt, please file so he didn’t have to spend the filing fees. I walked away crying and called my attorney. While I had the strength. Before I changed my mind. Did the consult. Texted him the attorneys options. This led to calls, hate, refusals. He didn’t want the divorce.
I’ve held strong. I can’t give in. I can’t change my mind. The roller coaster of the week has been awful. Awful. From threats to begging. From ruining my life to loving me so much 90+ missed calls. 125 texts. Repeatedly showing up tho he has a rental he moved into Friday. Including at 3 am to sneak into the bedroom. Awful. I live in a constant state of panic. What’s next?
All I wanted was the house. Wouldn’t touch his 401K or anything else. Nope, if I won’t cancel the divorce I can’t have the house. The end. Nobody gets it, it’s for sale. That kills me. That’s my kids home. My home. My dogs home. He’s barely been here and is just sleeping or in the garage smoking. Doesn’t matter. It’s his. And if I’m leaving him I get nothing that I want. Then he’ll say orrrr if you do this you can maybe have it. Maybe. But it’s just a game. A huge game.
My attorney filed a Temporary Order of Protection yesterday. Waiting for it to get signed. I told him this last night when he returned. Again. That caused an amazing blow up. I was thinking of letting you have the house. But not now. Not with that. Now I’m really going to make it hard 🙁 Okay. Now he keeps telling me to cancel it and maybe he will. He won’t he’s never going to. I’ve texted him back I’ve given up hope on ever having the house and to have a good night. Who knows when he will appear again before he’s served the order?
It just breaks me. It’s awful. He’s taken so much special stuff. Pictures. My grandsons bike. The kids mitts. So much. Just vindictive mean shit.
Narcissistic Abuse is the worst. The abuse you experience trying to leave – even worse. No wonder so many people stay. It’s almost better than this. I know in the long run it’ll be better but today. Today I questioned why I bothered. A house can be replaced, but this isn’t just a house. It’s my home. At least living together I only experienced his evilness on the weekends and evenings. Somedays I’d get a good day. Now it’s every single day. All day. Worse than ever before.