Somedays I’m just frustrated by the stress of life. I don’t write nearly enough. I wish I did but finding the words can even be too much some days. Today someone at work asked how I find the the time to do everything. I just do? It’s not optional? I don’t have a choice? She claimed that wasn’t true and I deserve a cape. I don’t though. Really, when it needs to be done you do it. That’s the way it should work.
Yet, so many in the field I work don’t have this ability. They don’t do it. They shut down. They wallow in self pity. They let things go. They turn to substances to numb the stress. I don’t understand that mindset. I feel like there’s different types of people – Those who function under stress and those who do not. I’ve never had a choice though. I’ve had to fight forward. That’s all there is to it.
So here I am. Exhaustedly swimming forward against the current. I’ll get there. I have to. I don’t have a choice.
I made it to the doctor last week. Female issues. Too much bleeding and cramps. I really wasn’t worried. I figured it’s normal. I’m getting old. Shit happens. But I thought maybe they could fix it or give me something to make it lessen. No big deal. My husband was stressed. I insisted it was nothing. He didn’t understand why I wasn’t worried and I didn’t understand why he was.
Fast forward – I guess it’s not normal. We went through the drill. Nothing new. Same kids. Same partner. Same stress. Same job. So I agreed to some blood work and an ultrasound. Assuming it would say it’s in my head, they couldn’t find anything and I’d of wasted my time and money.
The ultrasound was less than fun. They started measuring. I had an intern so I listened and got more details then normal. I noticed they measured. Repeatedly. They took too many pictures. And they asked me three separate times if I had a follow up scheduled for the same day? Ummmm, tomorrow. But something wasn’t right. I left their with a sinking feeling. Maybe it wasn’t all in my head?
Next day I see the doctor. We do all my vitals. Again. The nurse is too chatty. The doctor comes in. Well your blood work was good. The labs I ran were normal. You could hear the “but” in the air – I have the ultrasound results – I’ll show you pictures.
Dude. I don’t care about the pictures. It’s a blob of shaded areas. Then the big words and what the big words mean. Why? Word of advice – Get to the f’ing point. I don’t want to hear all about what a normal uterus looks like when you aren’t pointing at MY pictures – What’s mine in English and how the hell do you fix it?
In the end – The colors aren’t right. The shades aren’t right. There is thickening. Why? What does that mean and how do you fix it? I don’t know what it means we need to look closer. We need to biopsy. We need to do surgery. Blah blah blah. And can you fix it? How we fix it depends on what it is. Well WTF do you think it is? Ideas? Polyps? Fibroids? Some form of mass? Maybe just a blood clot? But we need to see.
I sat there. With far too many questions. The answers too vague. She asked if I wanted time to think about it for a few minutes. Does it change the outcome? No. Do you feel this HAS to be looked at? Yes. Well then there’s nothing to think about.
Can we schedule for December? Uh, well, how about Friday or Tuesday? Like in the next week? Yes. Not December? No. We need to do this now? Yes as soon as insurance preauthorizes it we should be ready. Seriously? Yes, I need to see what that is. Biopsy it. And scrape it all out.
I’m asleep. Yes. You take it all and not just biopsy it. Yes. Easy recovery? Ummmm, yes ideally. So that means just Tylenol/Ibuprofen and I’ll be good the next day. No, I’ll give you a script for stuff. Well that means it’s not easy. If could be worse. What if you see something worse in there then something simple? Then we’d do a hysterectomy if needed or wait until the biopsy comes back.
But I have to schedule? You should. And I should ask for Friday off of work? Yes.
Sigh. I did get her to next Friday. Do you know how busy I am? I need time before I lose a whole day or more.
But why? What is this? It at least explains a lot and my issues aren’t all in my head. I did consent to literally take the whole damn thing if she’s got ANY fears of serious problems. Because if I’m doing this we might as well do it as good as we can all at one time.
It can’t be that bad tho. Hopefully it really is just in my head! (Denial is my motto. Always.)