Feeling the feelings.

Life is just overwhelming. That’s really the moral of the story. Tired. Exhausted. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Pretty simple.

We went over this in therapy Friday. I’m avoiding the world. If I don’t get paid to talk to you. I quit and I’m not talking. Not accepting calls. Texts. Nothing. She pointed out that withdrawing shows how much anxiety I have going on inside me. Sure. Then she asked what I’m doing for enjoyment – Nothing? Absolutely nothing. I’m breathing because it’s a requirement in life and I’m not that happy I am lately.

Then Max starts in last night that he feels I’m accusational towards him and have contempt for him. What in the hell are you talking about? I have zero accusations. I simply speak the facts – I don’t like substances, I don’t like messes, I don’t like being late, I don’t like failing to follow through. And I have zero interest in faking it. Contempt? No, I have nothing. Literally nothing.

In the end – I can’t supervise him and show him how much I love him when I can’t even find the want to love myself. I can’t jump because he feels lonely because I can barely breath. It isn’t personal. It’s an inside struggle to simply survive and right now I’m not winning that battle. He’s got to worry about himself and not worry about the fact I won’t be up his ass. He needs to worry about working on himself and not expect me to work on him for him. Really, he needs to make better choices. Which he is aware of.

He feels I’m withdrawing and standoffish. Yes, yes I am. When the world upsets me – anyone – I don’t bounce back and be thrilled. No, I need time to process. To feel my feelings. To work on my emotions and reactions. Yes, I withdraw. And no, I don’t get over it quickly. I’m not capable.

By the end I think he got it and understood. Somewhat. As much as possible. Hopefully he really does quit taking my feelings personally. Ideally he’ll just focus on his own feelings.

Part of it I’m sure is the constant therapy. I’m constantly working on myself. I’m working on feeling my feelings. Understanding them. Working through them. If you’ve spent a lifetime not having feelings and suddenly use them and feel them – Of course it’s rough. So rough. But someday it’s going to be so much better. Someday.

The other part is just how crazy life is. How much I’m working. How crazy the month of May is. Graduation. Parties. Planning. Events. It’s awful. September. It’ll be better after college is going and Alex is there. It will. I’ll be down to no kids. No extras. So, just a few more months. On a bright note – I have afforded life the last 10 months. I’ve paid all needed bills. I’ve bought graduation stuff. I’ve put in new floors. I’ve saved money. So, I work a lot. But I’m at least powering through this long year.

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May 1, 2022

One day at a time. You got this. One day at a time.