Frustration. So much frustration.

Every day is a little more frustration. Really, a lot more frustration. Living with someone with untreated mental illness is a roller coaster ride I want off of. Add in the fact it’s an adult, with an almost 2 year old AND pregnancy hormones. I am going crazy. Everyone in this house is going crazy. It isn’t fair to any one of us. Nobody. I hate it.

At this point I’d of kicked her out a million times if it wasn’t for the fact I don’t want her child with her. So I’m stuck. In limbo. And I f’ing hate it. Hate it. Her boss got her into her therapist at 11 am today. First time she’s saw her in months. I called the medication doctor, scheduled my own appointment and then begged for her to be in ASAP. The best they could do was 1/14. Better than nothing. But that’s so far away right now.

She doesn’t clean. She doesn’t sleep or she sleeps too much. She takes shitty care of her son. She expects the world to revolve around her. Entirely. She barely goes to work. She gives away her shifts. She was scheduled 12 hours this week and gave away 8. She cancelled her training at the school and never rescheduled. She spends allllll her money instantly. She just lives on her phone. It’s classic bipolar. I know it. My education knows it. But personally, my mental health says this is ridiculous.  I asked if she’d applied for SNAP and WIC to at least help with groceries for herself and her child – Nah, I can eat here, I’ll do it when I move out. Are you kidding me? Am I rich?

So we’ve discussed if she’s choosing not to take meds she needs to dig deep inside of herself and find some inner strength for her kids. She needs to TRY. She needs to do therapy at the minimum. Get out of bed. Etc. Yes, I know it’s hard. I also know it’s possible. It just takes a strong person. Well, she doesn’t try. She continues to throw fits. Like she’s 13.

Tonight I kindly told her when she uses the last of something she needs to replace it. And she has to take care of her own son she can’t just ignore him and expect the other teenagers to parent him. “I’ll just go stay at my Grandmas then”. For real. 13. It took everything in my power not to slap her. I told her she was rude, disrespectful and she HAD to raise her children better than this. Nope. I’m leaving. I am not doing that tonight. My gosh – This was over replacing butter and cleaning her filthy room. FILTHY.  She storms around getting the baby’s stuff ready and telling me not to talk to her because she doesn’t have to listen. Are you 13? My therapist said this place is bad for me. No, she didn’t. Not if you told her the truth. Because the only thing going on here is accountability, expectations and no enabling. Really, I feel like I run a teen group home lately.

In the end her snotty attitude left to my moms – Baby gave me hugs and kisses and said he had to go. I nicely attempted to tell her she was just messing up his routine. But she doesn’t care. She only cares about herself. As usual. Even on medications she’s like this. Poor boy. I could let her go self destruct if it wasn’t for him. How will she ever handle 2? I sadly wish she’d give the new baby up for adoption. I will love him to death but I can’t do this forever.

No worries. She’s at my moms where I’m sure she got free food. Someone else to do bath time. Play with him. Take care of him. While she plays on her phone. I also realized tomorrow is the only 4 hours she has to work. So I’m sure this was even more convenient because then she can pull the no time card and get my stepdad to get him ready and take him to daycare. I’m onto her using games and she’s just sad it doesn’t work here.

I would do it ALL myself. If she’d either go get help or sign over her rights and get fixed to not have more kids. All of it. But I just can’t, it good conscience, enable her. I can’t. I’ve saw lots of mental illness. I struggle myself – But I also see the difference between someone who wants more and can’t beat their demons and someone who wants to use everyone else for all they are worth. Enabling won’t help her. It will ONLY get worse.

I’m angry at the fact my mom and stepdad do. They always have. It’s why we are where we are. They always will. I try to have normal conversations with them about healthy boundaries and helping her without enabling. Nope. Not possible. They just shell out money, food, take baby to daycare. They allow her to do nothing. Never be on time. To essentially be a waste of space because they will do it for her. So of course she will run back there. It’s easy. It’s simple.

I have started taking pictures. Documenting. It sounds pathetic. I’m creating a CPS case against my own child if it comes to that. Who does that? Me I guess. The grandma who loves the innocent child the most. Who has saw awful things and won’t let him become a statistic. Of course I’m trying to educate her. I’m trying to do the same interventions I’d do at CPS. Yet, as she doesn’t respond I take a picture – Of the orange juice with 2 inches of hard mold in the glass. Of the rotten orange peels. Of the diapers she hasn’t thrown away. Of the dirty, gross clothes everywhere. Documents of the fact she never cleans his high chair tray. Never wants to give him a bath. Never want to play with him unless it’s for a Facebook picture. Pictures of her sleeping while he plays in a mess. Medicine bottles without lids documented.

Don’t worry. His rooms spotless. I clean it every day with him. I was his laundry every day. We put it away together. We make his bed together. We talk about why we do these things. I encourage his mama to help, to do. But she doesn’t. She won’t. I’ve tried leaving it – It becomes unsanitary and gross. It’s not fair. I also remove the moldy cups after the pictures. Again. Not fair. I do enough that right now, CPS couldn’t do anything. Because I do keep him safe. And that’s the issue. She has the support needed to keep him safe. I’m not willing to put him in danger just so I can have him and be free of her.

But what happens when she leaves here? When she has her own low-income house? Two kids in diapers? Her last house was gross. Like time to call gross. What will the next one be? With a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn? I expect a disaster. An awful, devastating disaster.

Maybe by then she will listen – Maybe she will want help. Want meds. Want to learn new skills and be a parent. Or maybe not. I always hope she will. I always hope she’ll be honest, she will take her medications, go to therapy and be real.

Yet, I’m always prepared for the worst. I can’t fix her. But damn it I want the best for those babies. I want more. So much more than my family ever offered to me or my children. I wish I’d of had this help when I was a young mom with 3 kids and no idea. Gosh, the world would have been so different.

We will see if she even comes back or if she chooses the “easy” house and the “easy” life.