Just rambling

I remain my own worst enemy. Working on it. Definitely working on it. The thoughts I create in my head though. They suck. Basically at the end of every day I revert to the fact nobody could REALLY like me and I’m probably too much for most everyone and I’m pushing too hard.

Sigh. I hate me. That overthinking part of me.

Im sick with Covid so I’ve got extra overthinking power. Sick I’m always more pathetic, more convinced I’m alone, more desperate for human contact. Add in steroids and I’m a hot mess. The biggest, loneliest, most dramatic mess yet.

Things with Tom – the same? They’re going well. I stayed another week and was basically sick the whole time. Got my Covid diagnosis when I finally went home. He’s great when he isn’t working. I did keep his daughter for a week until she was done hating her dad. Really, I think she realized my house wasn’t easy and her dad wasn’t that bad. As we lived with structure. I like the kid.

I’ve attempted to click more with his son too. I don’t like the picking and choosing favorites and I feel that’s what they all do with these two kids. I’ve really clicked with the girl and give her a ton. So it seemed time to work on the boy. He mentioned wanting chicken & rice for dinner so I made sure to make it. He’s the super respectful kid that was sure to tell his dad to tell me he was 15 minutes behind. Ate dinner. Told me how good it was. Visited. This time he talked to me every time he came/went. Tuesday night we had some craziness with a teen ex girlfriend. Woke up and handled all that fairly smoothly and super crazy mom mode to match the crazy ex mode. I’d say we’re getting along well.

So, what’s my deal? Idk. I hate the distance. For real. I don’t know if I should be dating someone in another town. Is he going to move someday? Am I going to move? Yeah, it’s too early to worry about this yet I don’t want to waste my time.

I feel I’m just too much. My exhusband always told me I was and that sticks in my head. Daily. Like I call and text too much. I schedule all the plans and what we do and when I come or when we meet. Like I feel like I do it all and he just appears.

I start thinking maybe he doesn’t want to hang out as much. Maybe he just does it because he’s too nice to say no. Maybe he gets sick of my calls and texts.

I know. Ridiculous. He’s never said this or done anything outright that would make me think. Hell, in the beginning he told me it was fine and makes a guy feel wanted and he was good with everything. It’s really just me and my insecurity.

I’m going to try and reach out less tomorrow and see if he starts reaching out more. I think I just need to feel more pursued and less stalkerish with an obsession. I need him to call me first a little more often. (He called me first today. I really am being dramatic obviously.)

He mentioned we are going on vacation SOON. And sounded excited. He also talks about the summer. So obviously he’s looking forward and sees “us” in the forward. It’s just me. Being me.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully less from me and more from him.

I’m reallly struggling watching all the people on Facebook celebrating their babies “firsts”. I should be doing my babies first Christmas and enjoying every second of her. She’d officially be 8 1/2 months old and at such a fun age. I miss her. So damn much. My life would be so different if we wouldn’t have lost her, if we’d of stayed together. I find myself angry. Angry I mourn a child I’ll never hold while my ex just lives his best life. Yet he has time to string me a long every so often to make sure I’m broken. I need to quit talking to him honestly. Yet, I feel like nobody else could ever relate to how painful losing our daughter was. However, he doesn’t realize the pain either so I guess it doesn’t matter. I just want the firsts to be over with.  Badly. The firsts we never got to do.

I’m just sick, mopey and sad really. That’s all. Plus quarantining is quite lonely and really gets my brain going.

I asked Tom if I could maybe crash their Christmas. Well. Yeah. But don’t you have to go to your family? No. Remember I don’t talk to my mom and she’s already claimed my adult children this year. Again. Last years Christmas I was drunk for Christmas Eve and hungover badly for Christmas Day. Didn’t see my kids or family. Just went to my bosses. Having a dysfunctional family really blows for holidays. Part of why I was so excited for my daughter. To have someone that was mine and I could enjoy every second of and make new traditions with that didn’t include my mom overstepping and stealing those moments. His phone cut out about then so we didn’t get to finish that conversation. Will I go there for Christmas? Idk. I’d kinda like him to invite me quite honestly. Not just say yeah.

Enough rambling. I’m going to try and sleep.