Never Ending Crap. Literally.

What’s next? Seems like a fair question to me. But do I even want to know the answer?

It’s literally just one thing after another lately. Never ending.

Court was Monday. I should have had answers and at least a trial date should the divorce go that far. But no. God forbid the dick OR his attorney show up. Lovely. The judge rescheduled it for August 26th to give them another chance. Yay for being douche bags. It’s just a ridiculous stalling tactic. Asked my attorney to just draw up the dissolution and distribution and see if he’ll sign them before August 26th. Of course my attorney is convinced I’m getting screwed. He’s hesitant that I should do this in a hurry. I deserve more. I don’t care what I deserve. Give me the house and get the hell out of my life. A divorce is priceless. You have NO idea. He’s still convinced he’s hiding assets. Yeah. Probably. I don’t care. I don’t want his money. I’ll make more money…. Alone. So, still waiting for him to create what I want. No word since I rudely told him the divorce was priceless and to just do it. And I’m not emailing him first based on $3/minute. So I guess I wait.

Then, I’d left town to just breathe. Was having a wonderful time and the 17 year old called to tell me he hit a cow. Seriously, a cow. The teenagers were all fine but sounds like the car is probably totaled. Thankful they’re great. But seriously? I can’t afford another car right now. Like can’t even afford to finance him one due to the hope of refinancing. Again, fucking lovely. Still waiting on the insurance to figure it out. But the last voicemail said they’d have a settlement by Tuesday. Sounds totaled to me.

Next up, the 19 year old tells me he’s sick and should go to the doctor Tuesday. Finally goes Wednesday and guess what – Covid. Again, what’s next? He’s miserable but fine. Really? Now he’s off work and has no money to pay his insurance or phone or last medical bills. Again, now it’s my problem until he can return to work. Spectacular.

My boss asked if I’d pull another shift as she needed tonight off. Sure. Because now I really need the damn money. To say I’m frustrated would be called an understatement. I happily worked it tho and thank God for great tips to make me happy I did it but fuck me

Last but not least there is nothing I love more than working 60 hours a week and coming home to a messy house and dogs that haven’t been let out yet when someone else is here. I’d love to spend my one day off shampooing carpets. Alex (17) tells me he just got home. I don’t care what you just did. When you get home you let the dogs out and clean up your shit. I just worked 14 hours. You worked 5. Do your shit and help out.

I’m grouchy and losing it. Seriously. Really, my plate is just crazy full and some days I feel it more than others. I’m so thankful I’m free. I’m so thankful I don’t come home to screaming or craziness. Yet, sometimes I question it. I never want to go back to that. Ever. But God it must be nice just to get a new house, new life, no bills, no cleaning, no dogs, no kids, spend your money on dating sites, have no idea how the world is blowing up in your previous life and live happily ever fucking after. I can only imagine.

I’ve said this whole time I have no feelings. None. I’m numb to this. I feel like I should be sad, but I’m just not. Yet, occasionally I can feel the anger rising. The resentment. The hatred. Then I return to numbness. Guess it’s part of “disassociation” and “C-PTSD”. It’s normal. Not shocking. Too bad I don’t have the time to just sit here and dwell on my diagnoses and actually feel them. It’s probably a great thing I’m busy and can’t. But again, fuck me.

Now, at the end of this lovely day I’m going to go start the dishwasher and start some laundry. And tomorrow – Tomorrow, I’m going to work all day and mow and clean until I’m exhausted. Because that’s the only option I have in this wonderful thing called life. I don’t get to quit, give up, surrender. The world keeps spinning. Responsibility sticks around. The show must go on.