New Year, Same Life

1. It’s a new year and guess what – Just as I expected it’s all the same as last year. Imagine that. I’m really struggling to understand why people are so excited to bring in the New Year just because it’s literally another day. The world doesn’t change because the date changed. Nobody sticks to their New Years resolutions. Like we are literally doing the same shit we were before. There is nothing magical about it. Nothing. Maybe I’m just an angry, bitter person. Maybe.

The daughter came back the next day. The only good in that is she brought Jax back. The ONLY good. He went back into meltdown mode at bedtime. We went back into – I don’t parent like that and cuddle him. He’s fine. No. He is not f’ing fine. You don’t parent at all. He has never screamed like this. As I sat on his bedroom floor waiting for him to sleep I texted she could sign my consent to take him in the next day (12/31) or take him herself. But he was going to the doctor as something was wrong. She said she’d just sign as she was going out of town. Yeah, who cares your kids miserable. Right. Took him in – Sure enough, awful ear infection the ER missed as they didn’t check his ears, still had the respiratory virus from before. Meds. Nebulizers. Discussed his preventive meds. His. Mom. Sucks. Ugh. Don’t worry. She made it to her long weekend fun event of eating out and shopping. Oh yeah, we had one diaper left Wednesday too. I asked where she had more. I don’t. Ummm. None? No. Are you going to the store? No. Why? I don’t have any money. But you’re going out of town tomorrow. Yeah. Dude – YOU DO NOT HAVE DIAPERS. HOW DO YOU HAVE MONEY FOR A 200 MILE, 4 day vacation? Someone else will pay for it and I get paid tomorrow. SMH. She then had my mom drop off diapers. Of course. She also gave away 2 days of work to go. Yep. Brilliant.

She’d planned for my mom to keep him while she was gone as I refuse to enable her to that extent. But I refused to let my mom have him last night. No. He’s sick. Miserable. You aren’t taking him out in public. Negative. So today my stepdad calls and wants him still. I give in, against my better judgment. Because A. They were supposed to have him and B. Jax was really excited to see my stepdad. Drop him and his meds off at 1:30. With detailed instructions. Text screenshots. Couldn’t be any more clear.  Yet, at 7:30 when I check in – My idiotic mother hadn’t realized I meant she HAD to do the nebs every 4 hours. She forgot that part. Seriously? Forgot? Do you read? Do you listen? I labeled the damn bags of rotating neb treatments. I can’t handle her or my daughter. Neither of them care about this kids health. It’s all about Facebook pictures and fun.

Yet – There will be another baby. Sigh. I really can’t do this. I just can’t handle them and more innocent people who need protected.

That’s my New Year. The Same.

I slept through all the good stuff as I guess some wrong way interstate pursuit ended on our street. Driver ditched his vehicle and left on foot. No idea if they arrested him. I’m assuming they did as you’d think they’d have a BOLO for the neighborhood if not. They told the neighbor down the street they were worried he’d gotten into a house while she was trying to figure out why they were searching her driveway. They impounded the vehicle. I was sooooo tired. He could have slept here as I’m sure my front door was still unlocked at that point thanks to my kid/husband and I’d of slept right thru it all. So side note – I need the doorknob that has a code and is ALWAYS locked and you just enter the code as you come/go. We live in a super good neighborhood but obviously too close to the interstate.

Iron Pills are literally killing me. So I saw the doctor for my crazy lab results. In the end she thinks it’s just super bad anemia with low iron. I finally started taking the pills. I wasn’t as I was scared I’d never shit again. That was previous iron experiences for me. So I finally begin because I decide I can’t be tired 24/7. Here we are – Opposite effect. Seriously. And I have the worst stomach pain. Like I feel like my internal organs are just inside spasming over and over. Or like someone punched my in my stomach and lower back repeatedly. It. Is. Awful. It’s just my super lower stomach. Like at first I thought I was having labor pains or an ovarian cyst bursting or something like that as it was so low. But then I decided it’s got to be from this iron. Google says this part should start getting better after a week. Tomorrow’s a week I think. I’m hopeful. As today is the worst and I just want heating pads or really painfully hot baths 24/7.

New Years Resolution – None. They don’t work. Instead I’m just going with goals I was already developing – Budgeting Better. Some Weightloss or at least healthiness.  Water.  Self Care.

In my life it all goes hand in hand. I spend so much money eating out in shit food. We have no fast food. Well subway but that’s it. So literally every meal out is at least $13-$15 by the time I’ve tipped. More if it’s not just lunch and I feed more than just me. So eating healthy also saves my budget. We just make too much not to save more. And I think I’ll feel better about myself if I am healthier and eating better and drinking way more water. So, that totally connects to self care.

I just REALLY need to work on ME this year. Breathing. Relaxing. Doing. Less other people. Less using up my entire soul for everyone but me. I’ve a giver, a caretaker. It’s what I do. I enjoy it. Butttt, I need to learn to give to myself the same. To care for myself – the same. So much easier said than done. So. Much.

That’s it for today – Back to see if the bank site works yet. Stupid maintenance. I do my budget every month and of course it’s been down every time I tried today.

Happy New Year to those of you that truly believe a new year can bring new great things. I hope 2021 is all that you’re dreaming of.