Life – it’s a rough roller coaster far too often. I haven’t wrote in forever. There’s so many things to say, yet I never know where to begin. So, I just skip it all together. However, with all the ups and downs I feel like I NEED to write, WANT to write. Something is better than nothing. Maybe I’ll get it all out, maybe I’ll at least get a snippet out.
It’s been crazy. That’s putting in nicely. I had some days I questioned why exactly I was even choosing to be alive, because really – being alive is absolutely a choice I’ve consciously made over the last year, a choice I’ve fought with myself over, a choice I’ve reminded myself should be the only choice. Yet there is that voice somedays, when it seems really bleak, that I’m reminded there are other choices – but I’d pass that bleakness onto someone else. So, keep trudging on it is.
My mother has made me insane. Is that anything new? No, not really. After a fabulous episode of “I want to run your life. How dare you set a boundary. I’m the victim” – I quit. Literally, 100% quit. My parting words on the phone while she’s now crying about how she doesn’t understand how I can be so mean – I need boundaries. You don’t like them. The bigger boundary I set, the harder you try to break it and manipulate it. You aren’t healthy for me. I need healthy. I’m done. My new boundary is not having a mom because there is no other choice. – Click. We’re now on 3 weeks with zero contact. My daughter then texted awful things – because my amazing mother must drag in the kids, must be sure they know how awful I am, must make them agree – awful, awful things about how I was a horrid person, I was selfish, she resented me for every second of her life, I’ve done nothing for her ever and her Grandma has done everything and she was done. Thanks mom, you’re the greatest.
Hence – An emergency therapy session after 14 hours of sobbing and legit panic attacks. Because this was the moment I realized that choosing life was a very fine line at that moment. I sent the texts to my therapist so I wouldn’t have to read them and cried through the majority of the session. She was amazing. As always. She kindly asked if I’d considered “no contact”, if I’d thought about the peace I feel when my mother isn’t in my life, if I’ve looked at the fact my trauma started long before my marriage and I was essentially groomed into thinking narcissistic ways were okay. She pointed out my daughter’s texts were sent to hurt, to cut and they worked. It was essentially a word dump, obviously fueled by my mother, and I didn’t deserve it.
Follow-up therapy was again focused on how peaceful life was without her for a week or two. Her question – Have you ever read or looked into people that go no contact due to toxic family? Yes. Do you understand that nobody deserves to be treated horribly – blood or not? Yes. Thank God I do.
Thus, in the end I’ve chosen full No Contact. She suggested I do this for a minimum of 3 months and recheck how I feel. If I’m at peace and have saw the improvements in my life then I should really consider how having her life positively impacts me and consider sticking with No Contact or Low Contact. Honestly, 3 weeks in I want to stick to no contact forever. I feel no loss. I don’t miss her. I’ve always, since childhood, missed the mom I wished I had. I’ve always grieved the fact I didn’t have a “normal” mom. For years and years I thought she had Major Depression or BiPolar or some massive depressive thing with her constant victim, the world is ending, odd behavior. Now… 38 years in… slowly waking up… She may have those things. Yet, I also see the clear signs of Covert Narcissism. It slowly makes sense. I slowly get it. She will never be the mother I dreamed of, because that mother doesn’t exist inside of her soul. Because she’s too ill to be a functioning, caring, empathetic, true person.
As for my daughter – She now acts like it never happened. How am I choosing to address this? I honestly don’t know. You can’t send someone awful messages and then expect them to be your bestfriend. She’s my daughter. I’ll always love her. Yet, she deeply injured me in that outburst. If she can be so easily controlled and manipulated into an awful person by my mother I don’t know if she’s healthy for me either. That breaks me to say. My therapist again pointed out it was NOT okay and she doesn’t get a free pass. My therapist pointed out that she obviously forgot I let her move back in and raised her son for months on end and paid for everything as she feels I did nothing. I feel like this needs to be addressed. I just haven’t figured out how yet. I hate conflict. I hate facing issues like this head on. Yet, I know I need to. Sadly, my mother has taught her this is okay. She’s sent her these same, mean messages throwing everything in my daughter’s face. Yet, my daughter likes to use her for money/food/whatever and just goes back like nothing happened. It’s a vicious cycle there. But I don’t want to be part of that cycle. I want boundaries, healthy relationships, to escape the crazy.
Why? Why did this all begin? My 18 year old went to college August 1st and my mother was devastated she couldn’t take him, devastated I wanted to enjoy my kids myself. Which turned to her just scheduling herself as going to, after I’d been clear we weren’t doing that. Turned to Facebook Posts of poor me, I’ve never had to live without my grandkids living in the same town as me. Is it sad for her? I’m sure. Yet, this is over the top type posts. She doesn’t respect allowing me to parent and wants to jump in. In the end, she still showed up the weekend of college drop-off. I chose to not go up until she left. I did all the work. She got her pictures for Facebook of the best Grandma ever. My ex used to call her a “Glory Whore”. Awful, but it’s accurate.
College drop-off went fine. It’s sad, but it’s what I raised him to do. It was my goal. To raise a respectful, functioning young adult who was ready to go into the world. Mission accomplished. Do I miss him? Yes, absolutely. But I grasp that this is the point of raising kids. This is what we pray for. We made it. The young, single teenage mom raised a child who will eventually be a pilot. We did it. We grew up together and accomplished things statistics say are unlikely to happen.
Now my house is empty. I hang out with 4 dogs. I work 2 jobs. I stay busy. The endless parade of teen boys are gone. The endless pile of dirty laundry and dishes – gone. It’s a whole new life.
With that – I’m not ready for a whole new life. I don’t want a whole new life. I still want a house full of children. I want happiness. I want the sounds of a baby crying and children laughing. I want to do it all, all over again. As an adult this time with a partner that treats me amazingly, has the ability to love his children and truly have “that” experience.
It’s not that easy though. In June my OB diagnosed full tubal infertility. We’ve determined one tube kind of works. The other is garbage. But the kind of working one is not ideal. At all. So, now what? IVF is likely the only option. It’s estimated there is less than a 10% chance I could get pregnant without assistance. Infertility is a depressing, lonely journey. It’s awful actually. I cried as if someone had died, for days, after this information. Then I picked myself up and decided we’d do every ounce of testing necessary to prepare for IVF. I’d work more. I’d save money. I’d make this happen. So, I’ve been stuck – a lot of times. Enough people have saw my crotch at the hospital than I care to think about (and it’s only just begun). Now we wait for the IVF Consult which couldn’t be scheduled until 11/17 as that is the EARLIEST appointment. For real. (And I started trying to schedule the end of May.)
In the meantime – I’m trying out Clomid with the hopes of ovulating good enough from the working tube side that just maybe the tube will fully work and it’ll happen. The doctor still estimates that a pregnancy would end in an ectopic, but hey, if the tubes don’t work anyway I have nothing to lose really. This means my body is full of hormones and REALLY not impressed with the world. It’s been a roller coaster in itself. Also, taking supplements, reading books, doing everything I can to be prepared for this. And – saving money. Figuring out how I’ll come up with $25K or so. Great adventures. All while grieving the loss of the ability to just naturally get pregnant, to just be surprised, to have the “normal” intimate part. It’s pretty crappy.
But hey – I’ve got 90 days exactly to be ready to go. Sooooooo, I’m going to do everything I can to get there and be in the best health/shape/happiness possible to have success.
And with that – My break is done and back to work I go. Life’s a journey. But I want to document this journey, the sadness, the infertility and look back on it some day in a way better place.