I’ve been really struggling the last couples weeks. I can’t really say why – Too much people time. Too much to do. Organized chaos at it’s finest. Frequent triggering moments. All of the above?
I’m in the pull away stage of my brain. Not answering the phone. Ignoring invites. I really need to just be alone and get myself regulated and feeling in control of my life again. Because if I don’t I’m going to lose my shit. Too many people want too many things.
So, ignoring the world it is. Just for awhile. It’ll get better. It will. And if it doesn’t – At least my dogs love me and will be my friends. Ha.
The nightmares increased. Nightly. I’m taking the full prescribed dose of medication and it’s helping I think. Trying really hard to fully feel each dream, acknowledge it, address the why and then move on. Easier said than done.
Church idea = bad idea. I went. I survived. How did it feel? Absolutely awful. Will I go again? Today I’ll say absolutely not. We went over it in great detail during therapy that morning. To listen to my body. If I chose to went to not take Xanax and acknowledge the feelings in my body. Well, I made it from that conversation at Noon to 5 p.m. before taking Xanax. I wasn’t making it through the day, much less their service. Feeling the feelings – anxious, dizzy, nauseous, body aches. I was a mess. So, I was medicated for the service. I still was able to recognize feelings. Random memories. Feelings of sadness for these people and their jacked up beliefs and how indoctrinated some are. Followed by a sudden urge to laugh. Yes, thinking, dissociating and suddenly wanting to laugh as I realized how ridiculous this was. Only the anointed drink the wine and eat the bread. Okay. How is one anointed? Well, some magical power tells you that you are and you report to the other powers that be. Sooo, let me get this right a random man says he’s been chosen and poof, we believe it? Next thought – You should take a sip of that wine girl, announce you heard it from the magical power and officially are the first anointed woman. Challenge me? How? It’s all about my private revelation. And then, boom, I wanted to laugh. This is f’ing ridiculous. I left. I never want to return. That was the most I’ve listened to and the best “these people are crazy” moment. No more. No thanks.
That was Friday. Yay f’d up Friday.
Saturday I was working and miss a call from Captain D’s drug dealer. She also works at H&R Block and wanted to know about itemizing. How in the world can she work there with her level of drug use? I call to talk to a manager and simply get a different addict that answers the phone, her BFF. Note made – Don’t use H&R Block. Captain D was seriously trying to do his taxes with me. One last ditch effort. Are you kidding me? Talked to my own accountant who said he’d thrown a fit the day before announcing he’d file joint and get me audited. She tried to explain it wouldn’t work like that. He’s insane. After learning all this sent a message nicely explaining that my itemization has nothing to do with him as we don’t file together as we’re divorced. Oh, sorry, he didn’t say that. Of course he didn’t. Why can’t he just stay the f out of my life and quit trying to screw me over?
He’s such a waste of life. It amazes me how he never goes away. Can’t he find a new victim? Sadly, that’s exactly what his next person will also be. No wonder I have so many issues constantly dealing with this. I’m now hopeful that maybe he really is done with me. What could he possibly want after taxes? (Oh I know, more will come.)
Next up was working 24/7. No more crappy waitresses. Now I’m the only waitress. Leave the day job to go wait tables alone. The weekend busser has been coming and busses the tables, does the til, side work and my crazy requests. Then I tip him out well. At the end of the shift my body hurts sooooo bad from running the whole restaurant myself but it’s still better than any of the awful waitresses I get. The one that makes me crazy has been doing 11-5 and when this began last week – “You get it ALL to yourself for dinner rushes?”. Yes and it’s great. Bye.
Then we immediately left for state shooting match. That was lovely. Really, it was exhausting. Handling all the details and then coaching all day on a firing line is brutal. My legs literally have bruises from sitting and loading guns all weekend. By the end of the day I went to bed. No fun. No beer. Good night. If you have time to socialize you haven’t done enough work. And then home 10 p.m. Sunday night and right back to work Monday.
That sums up the last two weeks. Really, just way too much to do and way over stimulating. I’m exhausted. I get tomorrow night off and Sunday. And I swear I’m not leaving my house for either day. Can’t. Won’t.
I just feel so crabby on edge. I can’t be nice to anyone. I can’t fake it. I can’t hear people’s bullshit drama. I. Am. Good. Make better choices and vent to me less as I feel far from supportive. And don’t even complain about tired. You have no idea if you don’t work 60 hours a week, coach a team and do other shit. None. Your tired and my tired are NOT the same. Negative.
So, I’m hoping I can really just work on regrouping this weekend. Finding myself. Becoming a nicer person. Then next weekend I’m suppose to have twin respite one year olds from foster care. Yeah, I need to learn to say no. I probably don’t even know what tired is until I’m done with those babies.