I have time tonight. So where to begin? My husband had the brilliant idea to get an endless hot water heater or hot water on demand. Whatever you call it. I was less than impressed at the moment as you could limp ours along awhile longer AND I’m cheap. However, now the idea is brilliant as I can’t take amazingly hot showers and baths forever. I can do dishes and laundry at the same time. It is pretty fabulous. So I’m taking a crazy hot, FULL, bath while I type. Just what I needed.
Lately I’m just trying to get a grip on myself. I feel myself spiraling and I don’t like it. At all. My mental health is slipping. My use of alcohol is slipping. My anger is slipping. Not. Cool. So I am trying to dig deeper and figure it out. Fix it. Before I’m in am unfixable place. It was getting close.
I saw my medication doctor this last week and did the paperwork. She immediately said my numbers were worrisome and we went into great depth of what’s going on. In the end, it boils down to having my adult child and her child here. She makes me insane. I need to find a way to handle it without letting it affect me so deeply and to adjust to it. Easier said than done. However, she did get back on medications and I do feel she’s slowly improving. Thus, I feel I will also improve. The meds help her care for her own child which is necessary. The doctor was astounded the OBGYN took her off everything. It’s also hopeful that she’ll have her own place in the next couple months. Which is much needed.
I have been working on self care. More baths. More hot showers. More fun SOBER activities. Going to bed earlier. Simply going to my room to watch a movie alone. Boundaries. It’s helping. Slowly but I am beginning to feel more centered.
The alcohol – It’s not necessarily that I always want to drink. I like the atmosphere. I like the people. I like the escape. Yet, I can acknowledge I need to locate other atmospheres. Other people. When you become a regular the staff often look the other way on your consumption. The 3 drink limit disappears. The leave at 8 disappears. It takes away the “rules” which were making me rationalize why it was okay. It makes it NOT necessarily okay. I can acknowledge I simply want the escape which means I need to address who/what I’m escaping from. I need to address the why and not fall down that slippery slope as I’ll be the first to admit, I can’t go and drink water the whole time. (Sometimes I can but rarely). I also can’t stop after 1 or 2. If they will serve me. I will drink. Am I an alcoholic? Yes – But only a social alcoholic. At least at this point. I won’t closet drink. I won’t get wasted at home. But get me to the atmosphere I enjoy and I will go every night it’s available. Yet, I do feel I’m a situational alcoholic. My issues begin when situations arise I’m avoiding or escaping. Listening to this rationalizing? THAT is the sign of a problem in itself. I know better.
Anyways, instead of drinking tonight or Thursday I stayed home each night. Part of me craves going. The other part of me doesn’t want to be there at all. I feel I should begin listening to the part that is like smart and realistic, not the craving crazy part.
My friend is being insane tho. My daughter continues to ask if we’re getting married. Like she can’t handle when I don’t want to hang out or don’t invite her. And I simply can’t handle her. I’ve decided she’s also bad for my mental health. That we need to be friends but more distant. Like maki me feel obligated is ridiculous. Being so needy and expectant. Also ridiculous. I continuously tell myself she has issues and heartache too. Yet, I also tell myself that isn’t my responsibility. It isn’t my job. I can’t fix her. She has to fix her. So I’ve really taken steps back. Lunch only once a week max. Drinks once a week with her max.
I have nicely explained that I have to work on things. I need to save money. I don’t want to leave my house as much. I need to change my focus. I don’t want to be a part of any drama. She’s just constantly offended. Like more offended than my husband gets at my life choices. Comments like “I guess ALL my friends are ditching me.” “I guess you don’t want to ever hang out.” “I guess this or that.” So, last weekend I did meet her and had an ice water – I nicely explained I only had a minute as I had plans to do some stuff. We visited. She told me her drama. I told her I was backing off on drinking every night and was going to do other stuff. She tells me she should do the same. Great. She complains her other friends don’t want to go do anything sober. I excitedly tell her we have basketball tickets for the following Saturday and ask if she wants to go with – NO I HATE THAT. Okay. We visit through a lot. It’s fun with friends. NO. K. Then I mention we could bake on the weekends instead of drinking as I want to try some fun cheesecakes. WHY CANT WE BAKE AND DRINK? Ummm, you said you wanted sober fun dude? I’m offering that up. I gave up and moved on.
Needless to say she was super crabby we had fun at the game yesterday. Super crabby I wouldn’t meet her tonight when I declined as I cooked all day and had college kids I volunteered to feed. Then tells me I missed out because Keith came. No. No. No. Keith is some guy from another bar who has a girlfriend stalking my friend. It’s pure drama. I simply texted back I was glad I didn’t go as I’m not interested in meetings any of those people or having the drama of some guys girlfriend. I was enjoying my night. Silence.
I’m sure she’s pissed but I can’t fix it. At all. I’ve tried. I’ve offered. That’s it. I’m still happy to see her once or twice a week but I want no part of that drama or those people. And I really am going to keep working on improving my life. Whatever it takes. Maybe one day I won’t want to drink at all. She can join me or she can stay enmeshed with all the craziness.
So for this week I feel I’ve done good. I’m super happy I did the sober things. I loved the game. I cannot wait to go to more! Slowly but surely I’m going to climb out of this funk. Somehow. I’ll win. Again. My life will be mine. I will be happy. Time. Patience. Determination. Motivation.