So often I think about sitting down to write an entry. Yet, I never do. It sounds like too much working. Sitting here typing just feels exhausting. Then I start to question what I could write. How I could write. Would it make sense? Would it be good enough? The next thing I know I’ve talked myself out of even trying & just go to bed. This seems to a pattern in my life lately. Sounds complicated? Just go to sleep. Easy enough.
I saw my regular med doctor today. Same questions. Roughly the same answers. She’s thrilled I’m doing so well. Back to just the one medication & then Xanax. That’s great. Is the one medication at this low dose making that much of a difference? Has it literally “cured” most issues I’ve had for years? Or is it simply causing a longer than normal mild depressive episode & that’s why I’m suddenly sleeping frequently. I honestly don’t know.
The fact it’s been so easy worries me. It’s never this easy. I went from over 5 years of Ambien, to months of nightmares when I quit by my own choice, back to insomnia. And now, now I want to go to bed early. I want to sleep forever. I LOVE sleep. And I can fall asleep on my own quickly. Amazingly. Yes, it does worry me. But I’m going to just hope it’s the magic answer & that I’m truly this stable & will stay stable. One can dream. Literally.
My moods have been fairly good. I’m irritable. People annoy me. I still need the xanax semi-frequently. But, overall it’s not too bad. It’s been worse. Much worse. Maybe I’ve learned to cope better. Who knows.
She asked if I could pinpoint when I started sleeping better. Not really. It just clicked recently that it’s been going on for weeks. I honestly think it goes into the move. It feels like it got better after we moved. She laughed & said maybe the old room had bad vibes. Maybe? Or maybe it’s that it’s not cluttered, I have more space, I have a purpose, I feel mostly secure. The OCD feelings are spectacular because it’s not dirty, it’s MINE so I can clean & change things as I need to. Honestly, this has to be it. It makes the most sense.
School starts in two weeks. We discussed this & how I tend to create my own “chaos/crazy” when things are calm. She agrees when everything is going well it’s almost like I’m not sure what to do & go seeking it as the chaos is my normal. True, very true. I can’t stand the calm. It almost stresses me out more. But she also agreed this was good chaos w/ a positive outcome. I’m going to work full-time, attend college full-time to finish my bachelors. I’m also going to raise 2.5 kids full-time. Volunteer the same amount. I’m going to do it ALL damn it. And it’s going to feel amazing to be busy. (Maybe ask me how I feel about this in a month!)
2.5 kids? How do you raise 2.5 kids? Welllll, you have one turn 18. So, she only needs half raised. She can do it all herself. So then you should just be able to bump it down to 2? Right? She can do it all? Yep, 2 it was. For like a day. Then the barely 18 year old admits she’s having her own child. *sigh* Yes. It is what it is. But that’s a post for an entirely different day. But now she has plans of needing a sitter for work, etc. It only makes sense Grandma does that for her. Yes, that makes a lot of sense to the person who’s got a full-plate & nearly grown children for a reason. I guess that should be changed to raising 3.5 kids at this rate. Though I do hope she can handle it & parent the majority of the time herself. However, realistically, I know she’s going to need help. Lots & lots & lots of help.
*sigh* *sigh* *sigh* THAT is the chaos I did not create. I didn’t mention this today. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’ll mention it next time. Or when he’s here. He’s going to be another exhausting piece of this chaotic puzzle. But boy, I’m sure he’ll be worth it.
And it’s almost 9. I feel I must go to bed!