We are so close to closing on our first (and ONLY) home. It’s just about unbelievable to me. In 4 days I’ll be a homeowner?!?!?! Finally.
It’s been exhausting to get to this point. The years of repairing all the damage I did. The years of contemplating what I wanted. The years of addiction, alcoholism, issues. Wondering if we would EVER make it this far. Accepting the fact I would always rent a cheap, small place I’d make into my home. I had given up. Willing to resign myself to live in hell forever. It is what it is.
Then I woke up. Remembering that isn’t me. I don’t give up. I don’t just accept things. I fight. I work. I sweat. I cry. I make it happen. That’s just me. I’ve never been a quitter. Why in the hell would I accept this fate? I’ve spent the last year working my ass off. Paying off bills. Playing the credit score game. Doing the things you need to do to raise it. Even if you don’t want. Working my shampoo gig every second I wasn’t at a different job. Am I exhausted? Heck yes. I need a break. I deserve a break.
This is it. Years ago. When I was high. When I was depressed. When I was at rock bottom. Clawing my way out. Trying to escape. I’d drive. I loved driving. Just clearing my head. Sobbing. Wishing for the happily ever after it felt like everyone had but me. I’m kind of a creep….. I like driving by the beautiful homes, with their gorgeous decorations, manicured lawn & looking in their windows. Seeing their happy, family routines. Wishing that I could have that life. Imagining if that was me. Christmas was especially torture. Those same homes. With all the fun activities. The cars in front. The tree in the window. While I was alone. Longing for that. It sounds crazy. It was my hobby though. It made my heart shatter, yet at the same exact moment it gave me hope, it gave me dreams, it gave me a goal.
Those dreams are happening. Everything just fell together in the last month like it was meant to be. A loan pre-approval. Followed by a call just days later from my realtor asking if I was ready to see the house I’d described that wasn’t listed yet, but they were listing that week & she felt like it was meant to be ours. It’s not just any house. It’s in the exact neighborhood I use to drive in during those long evenings. The best & safest neighborhood in town. A neighborhood I won’t have to watch drug deals go down in, I won’t have to be scared of my kids riding bikes late, I won’t have to wonder what the crazy people down the way are doing or why the cops are driving slow, again. The price was perfect. The house was bigger & more than I could have asked for. Almost 2,800 square feet, a two stall garage, .25 acre lot with TONS of green grass. The rooms I wanted, the bathroom I wanted, the dining room I dreamed of.
It’s mine. I can put my own tree in the window. I can plant my own flowers. I can make my own memories. No longer will I ever need to wish I could have someone else’s life.
I absolutely, positively, cannot wait! Finally the life my kids deserve. The life I deserve.
It hasn’t been an easy ride, but it’s sure as hell been worth it.