Still No Contact, Doctors, Rambling.

Still swimming through this thing we call life.  Often don’t know which way is up, but hey, I’m going which is all that matters.

Son’s been at college for 3 1/2 weeks now.  Week 2 he got an ear infection and had to go to the clinic.  (I’m fairly confident this is a combination of swimming at the lake on Sunday and then the constant pressure changes of flying a few times a week.)  No big deal.  Took meds, got fixed up. Week 3 – My phone was ringing at 11:00 p.m. – nobody calls me that late, especially this kid.  I figured it was bad.  Answer.  He has dislocated his shoulder, completely, yet again.  Directed him to go to the hospital – which he did.  They again sedated him, popped it back in.  He saw ortho today and has been released to fly since he’s already using his arm anyways.  This doctor thinks the first one did an awful job and it’s fixable with the right therapies/things.  However, since he’s dislocated it twice since the first time there could be more damage and that would cause it to need surgery.  Ughhhh, I wish I knew it wasn’t fixed correctly to begin.  For real.  I had no idea.  Hopefully the MRI he’s scheduling now doesn’t show any additional issues and this doctor (who sounds smart) can actually fix it, minus surgery.  I swear parenting young adults is harder than parenting for like the first 14 years of life combined.

Yet, I still want more.  Am I crazy?  Heck yes.  Do I care? Nope.  I’m still in what is pretty normal baby having years (at least anymore as having babies in your 30’s has become super normal).  Our IVF Consult with CNY with 9/27 I believe it was.  This will be by phone and fairly easy.  Basically consulting our past medical records, learning our possible success rate and hopefully agreeing to go forward.  I’d like to do AT LEAST one cycle this year as I’ve met my deductible (easily, damn kid and self) and at least the monitoring appointments should be covered if coded correctly.  There’s a chance we could get two cycles in if we can start right away, but I’m not that hopeful.  Heck, ideally the first cycle will just work – again, not that hopeful.  This month was the second on Clomid.  I’m monitoring my levels and though ovulation is confirmed, I’m not feeling confident with the low progesterone, fluctuating estrogen.  It’s still early, but realistically I know our odds are super low.  Progesterone did slightly go up today (like by 3 points) which is better than nothing but not that impressive.  Basically, if there isn’t a continued rise over the next few days this month is most likely out.  I think I’ve decided to skip the Clomid next month.  I need to have an annual exam after 9/1 and plan to have my doctor order whatever other tests are on the clinic’s list so it’s all in.  I think I’d like my hormones to be on their own, normal level, for that and if we can begin quickly I don’t want to have to wait because my hormones are unstable due to Clomid.  Plus – it makes me feel pretty crappy, soooooo bloated and not impressed with life.  Knowing it really isn’t doing that much good – no reason to continue really when IVF is so close.  (Though, I had really hoped we could just maybe get pregnant right before then and save thousands.  I’d rather spend my thousands on a new baby and all my time off on a new baby vs giving the thousands to a clinic, spending tons of hours on time off doing monitoring, etc.  But I’ll just take what I can get at this point.)

At pretty much a month of zero contact with my mom – It still remains to be quite refreshing.  I don’t miss her or our fake, stressful interactions.  None of it.  It’s like nothing is different in my life, except I’m free of a person rambling crazy things and making demands of my life.  Currently, I have zero plans of changing this.  Unfortunately, my daughter has scheduled “family pictures” for 9/7.  I haven’t decided what I’m doing on this.  I want pictures with MY kids, but I already know her two brothers can’t come and I honestly don’t want to smile for these pictures or be present.  I don’t want to have these fake reminders for her to show the world how wonderful of a parent she is.  As she isn’t.  So, yeah, no idea there.  I’m sure I’ll suck it up and go if it’s non-negotiable for my daughter or grandparents, but that’s it.  I’ve also been questioning the holidays in my head – Mainly Christmas.  I don’t want to do it.  At all.  Yet, I know the kids will struggle with that.  I don’t want to feel like I’m making them choose or split their time, but I also want to respect myself and my boundaries.  I’ve told myself to forget about it and worry in November or December.

That’s about it.  I’m exhausted and just want to sleep.  Have to wait tables tonight and tomorrow night and then bartend at the Moose for a dinner Friday night (because I’m a sucker).  So, even though I got the weekend off I’ll still be looking at 55-60 hours for the week.  Go figure.  Someday in life I’ll go back to working 40 hours a week and it will feel amazing – Someday.  I like to tell myself once I have a baby and am not saving money to just create one it’ll be far more possible.  Which is true.  But for now, must hustle to achieve my dreams.

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