Struggling Badly

I’m struggling. Not just kind of struggling. Really. Struggling. Like just want to sit here and cry forever. Jump off a bridge. Take too many pills. Run away. Anything for this pain to stop.

My heart hurts. It feels like it’s breaking all over again. Into millions of shards that had maybe started to go back together. But instead of fully going back together they just fell apart again. Breaking into even more pieces.

I miss my baby girl so much. How can you miss someone so much that you never got to meet? We spent 13 blissful weeks together, plus the whole year before that dreaming of what that little embryo could be. Being terrified and so excited all at once. Just to have it all ripped away in one sentence – She doesn’t have a heartbeat. It’s so cruel of the world to let me suffer through the intense pregnancy symptoms for a whole trimester. To let me believe we’re finally in the clear. Just to rip away my sweet girl on the same day. After all that.

It. Fucking. Hurts.


The holidays were rough. Thinking of all the firsts I should be doing with Annabelle. Super rough. I was sure it had to get better after they were over. It didn’t. Jokes on me I guess.

Instead, it’s getting worse. The intense heart ache is getting more intense. I’m getting angrier. More hurt. More frustrated. Sadder.

I was blindsided at work a couple nights ago with the fact Max is dating. Blindsided. It’s not any of my business. I’m dating too. Right? So it shouldn’t bother me.

Bother? No. It broke me instead. Maybe because he’s the one that gave up and left. I didn’t want this. Maybe because of the fact she’s in her fucking 20s and we’re 40. Maybe because I KNOW he left as we couldn’t have kids and he still wants them. With someone much younger. With good eggs.

And that. That is what hurts so fucking much. He’s going to knock her up. 100%. She’s young. Fertile. Stupid. Literally. They’re going to have the baby I should have had. I cannot put into words the pain I feel when I think that. When I say that. My brain is obsessed with that thought this week. I’ll never get to hold my daughter and he’s going to get to “accidentally” do it all. He’s going to get the child WE dreamed of. While my arms will always be empty. I’ll never get to see what our children looked like. But it’s a small town and I’ll eventually be forced to see what his child with her looks like.

That makes me sick. It makes me sob. Honestly, it almost makes me homicidal. It’s not fucking fair. He just gets to move on to a pretty, younger version and act like our daughter never happened. While I’m left forever missing our perfect baby who simply wasn’t meant for this world.

Today. Today I fucking hate him. We’d of eventually got our baby if he wouldn’t have given up us. On me. I went through hell doing IVF for him. For. Nothing. Fuck him.

He called Wednesday night as I texted him and basically told him to fuck odd and how unfair all of this was. I shouldn’t have. But I did. He tells me he knows she’s too young buttttttt it might be okay. Fuck you. I tell him my biggest fear if he’ll knock her up and that will fucking kill me. He doesn’t deny it. I told him I’d pay for him to just move away so I could pretend he was dead. He couldn’t believe I’d want that and not to be friends. Friends with someone who is fucking me over so royally? Sorry, I just don’t see how any of this is fair.

I know I have no control over his life. I get it. Trust me. Yet, I feel he could have some basic respect and maybe give it some time. Maybe just not go accidentally knock someone up. Maybe date out of town so I don’t have to hear about it.

Yeah, he hasn’t done it yet so I should quit worrying about it. Leave it for when it happens. Well, I happen to know him well enough it’ll happen. Soon. I know it deep in my soul.

The struggle is just so real. I thought I was over him. I thought I was moving on. I thought I was healing. Yeah. Right. I don’t think I want to be with him. Not like before. I’ve saw how mean and hurtful he can be. Yet, I simply don’t want him to have what should have been MY baby with someone else. I don’t watch him from a distance get to be a dad when OUR BABY IS DEAD.

This probably sounds irrational. Selfish. Insane. It feels insane. Yet, it’s real. And it hurts.

I just want to go to bed and not wake up. Or somehow be numb for a LONG time. Like forever.

Therapy Monday can’t come soon enough. Yet, I don’t even know how to start this session – I’m sad and angry because my douche ex found some young girl to date, knock up and I’ll never get to hold my own baby so I hope he and his baby die too as it’s not fair and I’ll never be able to mentally handle seeing him holding a baby that isn’t mine? Yeah. Sounds fucking insane. Feels fucking insane. (No worries, I’m not really killing anyone or myself this week.)

I’d pay him to move away and never come back. If I didn’t have 3 dogs and an elderly grandma I’d be moving away myself like yesterday. I need out of this place and an escape from these memories. Sooooooo badly.

Thats all my rambling for today. Life’s going good. Other than this. Still dating Tom. Still have his daughter basically living with me. (I’ve been trying to convince myself maybe I wasn’t meant to have my own baby and maybe my bigger purpose was to take on bonus kids and that’s why I have never felt complete. Maybe this bonus girl is what I needed in my life and was supposed to have. I almost had believed it. Until all this shit this week.)  I’ll write about that some other day though. Because today, today I’m just fucking sad & angry.

Log in to write a note
3 weeks ago

I’m so sorry you have all this in your heart and head.  I am even sorrier for the loss of your baby. IVF is so hard. Loss is so hard. Starting over is scary. I hope you find a way to get some help, some gentle help for you now.  Call a hotline and talk if money’s tight, if ice is on the ground and you can’t go to someone.   Looking back over my life, it was always darkest just before a major turning happened.  Hold on.  All the best as you find your way.