Taking time to breathe

Laying in the shower. Why? Because my therapist told me to. That’s it. Simple. She thinks I need more time. More me time. More self care. More relaxation. More breathing.

I also turned my phone to silent. If I need me time I need silence. Right? My phone also told me it had some new update that could turn it to do not disturb when I’m at certain locations. Then turned itself on as I pulled into my driveway. Definitely my sign. (Tho, she specifically said this wasn’t an option. That I have to quit withdrawing or something. That I fill everyone else’s cup but who was going to fill my cup? Me. I’m going to fill my own cup with my phone on silence.)

We still have M. His grandma is in town tho to see him and we didn’t have daycare. So he’s just with her. She wanted to hang out a lot. I didn’t. I feel like she needs time alone with him. To see if she can really handle it should she gain custody. I thought she could until this week. Now I’m not so sure. I don’t feel that’s the best for M either long term. She pointed out herself she’d be over 80 when he graduates. That she probably can’t handle a teen at that age. That she wishes he could stay here forever. It’s frustrating. I want the best for this boy. The best that isn’t me. I’m not the goal. Blood relatives are the goal. I just don’t see any of them that will do the best. Meet his needs for life. In the end, he’ll probably just go home to mom. To repeat the cycle of removals throughout his life.

We received a call Friday night for a 6 year old girl. I sadly said no. I wanted to. Badly. But in the end determined it was a conflict of interest with my current job. This call was followed by a text minutes later asking if I’d consider a 10 year old boy. The weekend felt like it was raining children. Literally. And saying no was crushing. Especially for the girl. We aren’t currently set up for more. Not with that age gap or different sexes. Someday but not today. I have rearranging to do. But really I need A to move out. Maybe a year and I’ll be ready.

While children fall from the sky, I’m just over here, taking daily shots, swallowing more vitamins a day than most people do in a year, saving money, preparing for another egg retrieval. That’s it. Not much. While everyone else just pops out some babies they never really wanted. Frustrating much? I handle it well. But sometimes. Like tonight. Alone in this shower. I’m slightly angry. Have all the kids you want but freaking just take care of them.

About 60 days until the next retrieval. Yay. I’ve stuck with the priming meds this time. We’re for real going forward. Well, I am anyways. I just need to fix my diet next. Who knows what Max is doing in life. He’s recently decided he’ll be an awful father. Which isn’t true as he’s amazing with the revolving door of kids we have. I feel he’s scared of failure. Scared of the cliff I want to jump off after a failed transfer. Me too dude. Me too. But you can succeed if you don’t try. If we don’t fail, we haven’t tried. So forward I go.

In the meantime, I’ve got a ton of time off work. The restaurant is still in the process of changing owners. So I’ve been off 2 full weeks. This will be the 3rd. It’s great as I have time to relax. Awful as I haven’t been able to save what I wanted. Awful because I’m stuck alone with my thoughts far too much. But I’m surviving. Pondering. Breathing.

Log in to write a note