The Usual Frustration
I’m in just an awful, crabby, annoyed mood. Doesn’t make much. Yet it takes a lot. If that makes any sense.
Ultimately, I’ve got to figure out how to quit letting Max’s unhealthy family get to me. Quit letting his and their behavior turn me into a bitter asshole. Yet, it’s hard as they constantly suck. How have I met the most amazing person I’ve ever dated yet his family sucks so freaking much? How? Maybe I should be grateful as they raised him into this person.
However, it’s clear “they” didn’t. He lived with his father while his mom was in her country. They eventually moved across the country and left him with friends and his Grandma until he graduated. So it’s not them. It’s others that molded this person.
I have few complaints about him. I can handle most of it. But his family. No. Fucking. More.
His mom doesn’t celebrate holidays. No problem. She was away with his sister over Easter. I invited his dad over for dinner that day. Also gave him some extra leftovers both before and after. I’ve also kept in touch with his sister since she moved and I finally revealed the IVF stuff last fall to her. Like literally just texted her a few days ago about a trip to see her. She has grand plans for us.
Suddenly that Monday or Tuesday he makes some comment about how I’m cutting his family out of our life. Huh? Really? Kindly reminded him I just had his dad over for meals. Oh. Yeah. Pointed out I’m in contact with his sister, unlike him. You are? Uhhh, yeah – wanna see? Oh.
Obviously that snippet came from his wonderful mother. Who yeah, I don’t go out of my way to connect with and I’m not really interested in. I’m sure she wasn’t impressed her husband had a holiday dinner with us. (He does celebrate holidays and doesn’t share the same religious views as her.) Just proving it’s his mom that’s really the problem with her overbearing need to control her kids, be in the middle of it all and view of “pagan holidays”. He dropped it as he realized I was right. I haven’t cut anyone out.
Sadly his uncle passed away Saturday. His dad left right away. His moms still gone. No idea if she’s going or what. Don’t really care.
He calls yesterday to tell me he took care of the DMV thing. Great. Then throws out his uncles funeral will be next week but he can still probably go to the dentist with me and M Friday if he hasn’t left yet. Huh? If you haven’t left yet? Yeah, I don’t know when we’re leaving. Who are you going with? Well maybe myself. Or my dad and mom. Or brother. Seriously? Ummm, thanks for the consideration of what I’m doing. Well I didn’t plan you’d be coming. Really? Do you want to go? I truly can’t believe you didn’t invite me. Fine, you weren’t invited. I hung up. Fuck that game.
He texted later that he just assumed I wouldn’t want to go. Then again that he assumed we wouldn’t have childcare for M. Then again that he thought I should just save my PTO. Eventually an I’m sorry for assuming text. I finally replied “I have nothing to say. I’m tired and over being an outsider to your family’s life.”
A. Of course I’d of went. I’m not an asshole. I know he can’t see well to drive. And I actually already knew the day as I stay more in the loop than he does. I’m so freaking offended he’d just assume I wouldn’t go and he’d make plans with his parents/brother. I shouldn’t be surprised. Story of my life here.
B. Yes, I hoard PTO – But I have plenty. 170+ to be exact. He knows this. Hell, eventually it caps out.
C. Never use M as an excuse. Of course we could have got a sitter. I have great respite providers. But we also could have brought him with. And he’d of been fine.
We’ve lived together for basically almost 2 years. We’ve been down the IVF path and planning for nearly a year. I feel like I’ve earned more than just basically being a roommate where his family is involved. And that’s how I feel. There’s no communication. There’s no planning. If it doesn’t directly involve me I’m not included. Especially if it involves his mom. (His sister does always include me in her plans and I appreciate that.)
Maybe I was married for too long. However, I’ve always felt a long term relationship evolved into communication. Making plans together (especially if it’s major) before involving others in the planning – Like a “hey, there’s a funeral on Tuesday in Minnesota. Do you think we can make it work? I’d really like to go and could probably ride with my parents if you aren’t able but I’d love you to come.” Or a “Hey, the guys want to head to Vegas in July. Do we have any plans? Is it in our budget? Do you have any preferences on when we go or need for me here?” Just simple shit. Out of respect. Consideration. Care.
Half the time I don’t even care. It’s the anger of it just being done. With no thought to my feelings, plans or wants. My mom said jump. So I said how high. Fuck. Off.
So, I have no idea when he’s leaving or when he’s coming back. I’m angry. I don’t really even care to see his face. Or hear his voice right now. Not if he isn’t smart enough to realize this is a problem. Or what needs to change. After nearly to years of living together I feel like I deserve more than roommate status on plans.
I’ve made backup plans for M for the rest of the month. That’s how little I trust him reappearing in a timely fashion if he goes with his parents.
We also had court and some extra meetings for M this month. He is starting the transition home on 4/28 and will begin staying at home full-time on 5/22. I’m asked how I feel. Of course I’m happy and sad. I’ll miss him. We will have spent 8 months together at that point. But this is the goal of foster care. I’m happy for him. Happy he won’t lose his biological roots and he gets to live with his mom. Happy she’s fixed herself enough to be a healthy parent. That’s the goal. With a lot of support she’s made it. And I hope she continues for the rest of his little life.
I know there are more children out there. We will have another child. Likely sooner than later. And I will pray the process goes the same. I never want to keep them. I want so badly for parents to reunify and be healthy. As even being adopted into the best home has underlying trauma. A child will always crave their biological side. I’m truly doing this for the children. Not for growing my own family.
I do plan to say no until after our next retrieval. That’s planned for June. A couple months kid free is a great idea. Breathing. Finding peace. Preparing for whatever is next in life.
Hey can we be friends? My google chats email is email@example.com