Visits in a Dream

It’s been so long since I had a dream with him in it. Honestly, I can’t remember the last times. They’re always similar tho. Ending in a hug that feels so real.

I woke this morning from one of those real, vivid dreams. He’d been gone in the Navy and was due home. Why the Navy? I have no idea. None. Zero. His mom was throwing a welcome back party and I wanted to help. Help get the house ready. Help throw the party. I said I’d leave before he arrived. He wouldn’t want me there. Yet he was early. I wasn’t gone.

He looked the same. I quietly watched him come. Greet people. I noticed he’d lost weight, he looked healthier, happier. Yet he didn’t look real. Something about his was ghostly. Like he was illuminated or glowing. I was going to quietly leave.

Yet, he came over. He took me aside and thanked me for being there. I apologized. He told me how happy he was I was there and was always there. That he was still sorry he couldn’t make himself better to make it work. But he hoped I’d always be there. Always care. He told me he loved me. Always and forever. Then came the hug. The real feeling hug. I could smell him. Feel him. Hear his voice just like it was yesterday. His broad chest. His arms. I can’t explain how real it was. He assured me it was okay. I simply said I was sorry it ended this way as it was never my plan.

With that I awoke to my alarm. His voice echoing in my head. Feeling as if his arms were still there. As if I could feel him. I simply snuggled deep into my blankets and asked myself what the fuck was that.

It’s been 10 1/2 years since he passed away. 12 1/2 years since our divorce was finalized after a whirlwind fast marriage full of alcoholism, untreated bipolar and cheating ruined it all. Yet, his voice was so clear. His love was clear. His words so meaningful. His hug and smell so real. Even after getting up I just couldn’t shake it today. He was here. In my dreams. He was.

I’ve read and heard that departed loved ones can communicate with you in dreams. I truly believe in it. I truly believe it was real. After all this time he returned for a visit. It wasn’t always bad. I did love him. I loved the good him. The fun him. The nice him. I loved the him he had the potential to be. He wasn’t always a bad guy.

I was trying to convince myself I was crazy and the first Facebook like on a post I saw this morning after crawling out of bed, smoking a cigarette, pondering this was from his mom. A sign in my opinion. A sign to just believe. A sign to be thankful for this visit.

All day I’ve hung onto this. Such a real dream. It felt oddly comforting. Yet odd. Why? Why so randomly?

Tonight crawling into bed I’m still thinking about this. Almost hoping I can have one more visit. One more chance. Then I realized it wasn’t random at all. It’s March. What day in March. I quickly look at my phone. It’s March 10th. Yesterday was March 9th. It would have been our wedding anniversary had it not ended in disaster. Had he not died.

He remembered.  Maybe my subconscious mind remembered. I like the thought the visit was real though. As real as it felt. I was so angry when he died. Angry that he just gor to die and I’d have to live with the pain of the divorce alone forever. He got a free pass. Maybe not. Maybe he remembers too. Maybe he wanted to bring comfort for the moment I remembered the date.

I’ve done a lot of healing over the years. I’ve created a new life. But the what if’s and past failures will always be there. Buried deep down. You don’t marry your enemy. You marry someone you had hopes and dreams with. Of course that’s going to hurt – No matter the reason or outcome.

In the end I’m simply going to find comfort in this dream. In that hug. In those words, his smells, his presence. Comfort that he’s healthy now. He’s at peace. He’s no longer fighting demons he can’t beat. Comfort knowing he’d of fixed if he could but sometimes our demons are bigger than us. And hope…. Hope that he’ll come again someday.  Hope I’ll hear that voice again, feel that hug, see that person I did love so much.

Happy Kind of Anniversary Trent. Thanks for coming. Thanks for trying. I hope your soaring in the sky, enjoying the best Heaven has to offer, keeping us all safe from afar. Just know, you’re never forgotten.  Cheers until you visit again. (Maybe a little sooner. I enjoyed that. A lot.)