A Soap Box Memorial

Sixth grade was a hard year for me.  I attended three different schools by the time the year was up.  The last school was Alicia Intermediate in Marysville, CA.  That’s where I met Misty.

Sixth grade also happened to be the year that my great-grandmother began to influence my understanding of sex.  I was twelve years old when she told the kid behind the counter at McDonald’s how proud she was of me because I was going to be a virgin when I got married.  I craved the kind of praise Grandma liked to slather me with, so I just smiled and nodded as if this was a perfectly normal thing to tell a kid working at McDonald’s.

My mom had always been pretty open with me about sex.  She was 18 when I was born and my biological father chose not to stay around to be a part of my life.  She didn’t want me to make the mistakes she had.  She didn’t want me to do anything I wasn’t ready for.  For that reason, she took more than an average interest in making sure that I knew what my options were and that “NO!” was always one of them.

So between Grandma’s influence and my mom’s influence, I came to understand that sex was something I should wait for.  As far as Grandma was concerned, I should never do it.  It was a bad thing.  Boys will try to pressure me into it.  She was right about that.

So in 7th grade, we moved one last time.  I began attending Yuba Gardens Intermediate, and Misty moved there, too.

Misty had no desire to wait.  She wanted to “lose her virginity” as soon as possible.  I don’t know when she did, officially, but she was working on it in 8th grade.

I was not the most pleasant teenager.  When I thought I was right, I’d be extremely sanctimonious about it.  Misty called them my lectures.  In fact, that’s how I found out about most of her adventures, because she’d tell me that she needed a lecture.

Misty and I had a falling out in ninth grade.  It was because I was shooting my self-righteous mouth off and being anything but Christ-Like.  She switched to a Christian school for a while, and though we have connected now and then throughout the years, I haven’t seen her since the late 90’s.

This past week has been emotional for me, and Misty had been on my mind.  When I found out that she had died, I assumed that was why she had been on my mind.

I know she struggled with addiction among other things.  I believe that addiction is a means of medicating oneself when one feels completely without value.  I don’t know why she would have felt that way, but I know that her father wasn’t really a part of her life.  I also know that she knew the negative things that people have said about her.

I don’t know that her addiction is what killed her.  I do know that she’s also battled brain cancer.  But I am overwhelmed with sadness for my too-soon departed friend.

I’m also angry, again.

By now, you’ve probably noticed that the image at the top of this document gives the definition of the word “slut.”  I won’t say that I’ve never used this word, because I honestly can’t remember and knowing what a self-righteous twat I used to be, it wouldn’t surprise me.  I know that I have not used it in decades, because it’s one of many words used to denigrate women for behaviors that are applauded in men.

I don’t think I ever called Misty a slut, but many did.  What I found ironic, even back then, is that many of the people referring to her with that word were boys who clearly enjoyed her attention.

This topic took particular prominence in my mind, yesterday.  Drew and I were watching something in which a murder victim was described as the kind of girl who sleeps with men for money or gifts.  I was thoroughly annoyed by that description, because no one found it necessary to describe her killer as the kind of man who has to give gifts and money to get women to sleep with him.  How is one behavior scandalous while the other is not?  In fact, the man giving gifts to get a woman to sleep with him is somehow the victim.

This idea burrowed into my brain, and then I came across this meme on Facebook.   (Go ahead.  Read it.  I’ll wait.)

I commented on the meme with my observation about the kind of woman that murder victim was, and one person commented, “Gigolo.”

Now my brain is banging against my skull, so I have to share this to get it out of my head and off of my chest.  A gigolo, if you somehow don’t know, is defined by the same dictionary that gave us the lovely definition of slut above as, “a young man paid or financially supported by an older woman to be her escort or lover.

Similar: playboy, beau, admirer, escort, companion, toy boy”

Isn’t that charming?  Certainly not derogatory.  In fact, there don’t seem to be any words in the English language to define men in a derogatory way with regards to sex, unless he can’t perform, that is.

“Gigolo” is such a charming concept that my high school marching band played the song “Just a Gigalo” as part of our field show!  “I’m just a gigolo, and everywhere I go…”  Can you imagine a marching band performing to “I’m just a prostitute, and baby I’m so cute…”  If you can, you should probably write science fiction.

Ok, Jenna, what’s your point?

My point is that women can’t be “sluts,” or “whores” or any of those other ugly words without men exploiting them.  But it is women who come away with the “bad reputation.”  The men are patted on the back or even lifted up as heroes.  Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Simmons have both proudly proclaimed partners numbering in the thousands.  Madonna wrote a song about feeling like a virgin and was labeled slutty.
This is the definition of rape culture.  Men are supposed to think of nothing else.  Girls are supposed to be chaste and innocent.  Girls are put in a position of feeling obligated to say no.  Boys are taught that “no really means yes.”  Girls are often pressured and give in, and no one lectures or shames the boy.  I got lectured for going behind a building with a boy to talk.
So this leads to young women hating their bodies for either not being good enough, or for attracting the wrong kind of attention.   I don’t know if that’s what drove my friend to addiction, but something has been bugging me to write this.  I am ashamed of the things I said and thought about her back then.  I’m so sad that I did not take the time to tell her these things.
What can you do?  Change your attitudes.  If you have sons train them to treat women with respect.  If you have daughters, teach them what it means to be treated with respect.  If you’re a woman, stop using words to demoralize other women.  We have to have each other’s backs.  If you’re a man, act like one.
Two things I want to clarify before I close:
  1. This is not an attack on men.  I know dozens of wonderful men.  It would take me a whole other entry to list them and what makes them so wonderful.
  2.  It’s never too late to acknowledge that you could have done better.  Well, unless the person you may have hurt dies unexpectedly.  Then it’s too late.
Ok, Misty.  Enjoy my latest lecture.  Be at peace.
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October 20, 2019

Here is a question?  What if the girl/woman is just walking by and the man/boy gets a hold of her and forces himself onto her and she says “NO” and doesn’t listen to her. then is she still considered a slut?  I think that is a double standard and is not fair.  And the boy/ man’s friends still say “way to go guy” you did it….

Maybe your friend misty has a brother or sister you can find and then you can talk to them and ask them questions?

October 20, 2019

@jaythesmartone she had no siblings.  And no, a girl who is a victim is not a slut.  Frankly, I don’t think any woman is a slut.  I hate that word.

October 20, 2019

@oniongirl I know I do also….I just wish everyone was treated with the same respect and thoughtfulness as we would the Queen……I didn’t want to make you pissed off at my answer but I do know there is always a double standard even when it’s been years of retirement people still go backwards in time and say things like “Oh were you not that……..?”

October 20, 2019

@jaythesmartone I’m not pissed.  I don’t get mad as easily ass it may seem.

October 20, 2019

@oniongirl good…cause if i ever offend you or piss you off or even use me as a dart board please let me know so i can either explain myself or run….

October 21, 2019

I’m so sorry about your friend.

I agree, society does have double standards for men and women. Those standards need to be changed. Although, I have heard the term male slut or manwhore, but they involve words that were originally intended for women.

October 22, 2019

@justamillennial, they are also usually said jokingly.  Not disparagingly.

 

October 21, 2019

Women are forced into the impossible role of Virgin/slut. We are supposed to be pure and without any knowledge or interest in sex unless a man wants us then we are supposed to be pure molten lust. Of course that is only good one time. Then, when he tires of us and walks out, we become “slut” for all men. Men WANT a slut but only in secret. He shames her in public but demands her in private. Double standard that needs to end!

October 21, 2019

@snarkle yes, exactly!

October 21, 2019

This is such an insightful and true entry, it is amazing and shameful the double standards that are placed on women in our society. You make a lot of very good points, thanks for this.

Also, I am sorry about your friend – we always think of things we should have said to them when they are gone, unfortunately 🙁

October 22, 2019

There are def double standard when it comes to a man and a woman. Wish things would change….but I am not sure they ever will