A Sunday Sermon?
Went to mass for the first time in a long time. Not sure if this is the right parish for me. The homily was much heavier than that to which I am accustomed. Much more pointed and far less tolerant than the experiences that attracted me to the Catholic church in the first place.
Specifically, there were several anti-abortion displays. I understand that the Catholic Church is Pro-Life and that in itself would not have been an issue. But right next to the front door was an actual large, granite, tombstone. There was an etching of a fetus in utero. The inscription read, “I died because I was inconvenient to the powers that be.”
It immediately made me uncomfortable. The parking lot was overflowing and there were police cars out front with their lights flashing. I thought that perhaps I’d unwittingly wandered into an anti-abortion service.
I would never call myself pro-abortion. I had the opportunity to have one, once, and ultimately could not go through with it. I think it’s a terrible choice to have to make. But had that option not been available to me, I’m not sure how I would have gotten through that time in my life. It was the only thing that made me feel like my life might possibly be allowed to continue. Poetically, only 9 days after choosing to not go through with it, I came extremely close to dying because the pregnancy turned out to be tubal.
I thought of the other women who may have found themselves in the position I had been in or others that were worse. I thought of them agonizing over that decision the way that I did. I thought of those who may have made the other choice and who might be struggling to forgive themselves. I only considered having one and I nearly turned around and walked away. If I’d had one and then seen that headstone, I would have certainly left.
I spent the mass wondering what God wanted me to get from it. I was uncomfortable and emotional. Then I realized that in taking the first open seat I could find, I was sitting in the choir! My face flushed hot and I looked around. No one seemed bothered by my presence. I glanced up at the Crucifix, and I’m pretty sure it winked at me. (Ok, not really, but you know that feeling you get when you feel like God is smacking you in the head a little bit to get you to focus? It was like that.)
So I struggled to focus and listen and receive whatever message God had for me, today. I frequently found myself composing this entry in my head, and realized that I might be missing something. I chuckled to myself and thought, “Oh, I get it! I need to listen more and talk less. Ok, God, help me to hear your message.”
The homily began with scriptures from Genesis, describing God’s creation of Eve. Father went on to talk about the Jewish laws regarding marriage and how Jesus changed the law. “If a man divorces his wife and marries another, he is committing adultery.” Ok, I am divorced, but my husband is now deceased. Drew is twice divorced, so I guess this is a strike or two or three against us.
Then he went on to describe what makes a marriage valid. For Catholics, it has to be performed by a Priest. If one is already married and it wasn’t by a priest, there are special accommodations that can be made to basically validate the marriage. If a couple marries and then uses contraception to avoid having children, their marriage is not valid for reasons that I can’t recall, but basically it was that that is the point of marriage, so anything else is dishonest. OK, well, I’m totally screwed then.
I wondered how many people in that church questioned the validity of their marriages. I took communion, wondering if I was technically supposed to be doing so, and waited on my knees for the mass to end. I was confused and reconsidering much of what I’ve come to feel and believe and I was getting emotional.
It was quiet while Father wiped the cup. A man carried his daughter to the back of the church. She made eye contact with me, as she passed and shouted in the most jubilant voice, “Hi!” I smiled and waved and she waved as she passed. And then the crucifix winked again.
I feel that God is always talking to me. I’m still not entirely sure what today’s message was, but I feel that it was about dogma and compassion. I’m going to stop here because I don’t want to pretend that I get it loud and clear this time like I usually do.
I posted this on Facebook when I got home from Mass. Only a couple of friends offered thoughts, mostly people I wouldn’t have expected to hear from. Then I read @snarkle’s latest entry. She reminded me of the connection I feel to the mother line in my family. One thing I share in common with my mother, my grandmother, and my great-grandmother, other than a uterus, is that we all sew. I grew up watching them all bent over their machines. I learned by watching, and when I find myself bent over a sewing machine, I feel more connected to my beginnings than anything else.
If I am going to believe that God exists and that God has a use for me, then I have to believe that I was so heavily influenced by women for a reason. This past couple of weeks have been torturous for so many women I know. I won’t even speak (or write) of the reason.
Being raised by women who could not rely on their men, for the most part, I have made all the mistakes from which my mother tried to shield me. I also managed to score a few wins in the process because she also taught me that I can do anything if I work hard enough at it.
I have a talent for relating to troubled young women. I also have a degree and a teaching credential. I don’t know if this is what today was supposed to remind me of, but I’m feeling more like myself than I have in a while.
Just a question…If a Catholic woman gets raped is it still against g-d’s wishes to have an abortion? I can’t understand why anyone would want to be raped and then have a child from that rape…..I can not imagine having to have a decison to make like that. I feel so horrible for these women.
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I really liked this entry. It really makes you think and dive into your own mind of thoughts on your own beliefs. I have a lot of things I could say.. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did.. I believe that everything happens for a reason girl. I wish that I could open my mind, eyes, and heart to see take in everything going on around me and listen for God’s teachings and advice. I have such a hard time focusing. It is really awesome that you can spot these things. Hearing about the Catholic churches beliefs give me anxiety haha.. I was also married. The divorce wasn’t my choice… but still. I hope you are well.
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I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. The service sounds horrible.
For what it’s worth, I was baptized into the Catholic church 27 years ago, and I’ve never heard a priest talk like that about anything.
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