Day #32 – Rambling Thoughts

My parents are being very great and spoiling me. They purchased a $200 professional wood burning tool for me (which I desperately needed) and it’s on it’s way. My mom also bought me some carpets which are on their way too. When talking to my mom yesterday, I asked her for help in putting a woman’s touch back in this place. It’s so drab now with all of N’s decorations taken down. She used to put up a different flower arrangement for every season, and I miss it. She had also decorated the walls and stuff. My parents are going to be gone for the first ten days of December to visit my sister and her family, but when they get back and rest up a bit, I’m going to take my mom to the dollar store and see if she can help me with flowers and stuff again. I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with them, so that will be nice.

I think I mentioned in an earlier entry that I got all the stuff in that I ordered for wood working. I have the vice set up now and then I realized – I need a mallet for the chisels! Well, I’m a wood worker and there’s no need for me to purchase one so I’m making one for my current project. It would go a lot faster if I could use the chisels, but without the mallet, yeah there’s no way. So I’m using a combination of my belt sander and Dremel to make it. I’ve already got the outline drawn and have started forming it. Wood working is great therapy for me especially when I get to thinking about N. It doesn’t take my mind off of her completely, but it calms the sorrow a bit because you have to be really focused when working with wood and sharp objects.

I do need to get a couple more supplies however. I need more 100 grit sand paper, sanding belts and discs. I’ll be ordering them in December when my disability check comes in.

I live in a basement house and it’s not in the best of shape. The insulation in the roof is almost non existent and the door doesn’t fit perfectly. So that means that a lot of cold air comes in down the stairs. The only heat sources that I have are electric heaters, and they can really run up the energy bill. I hang some blankets from the ceiling at the bottom of the stairs to stop the cold air from coming in, and when N left, she took one of them. I hung up another tonight and it seems to be making a difference. The house feels much more cozy.

I slept a lot today… I mean a lot.  But still, I managed to be productive and that makes me feel good.

N’s birthday is on the 3rd. I feel kinda lost. I usually have a present waiting for her and a card. This will be the first year without doing so, but I’ll be sending her an email card regardless if she reads it or not.

Last night I felt called by God to send her an email telling her that I forgive her, love her and that she will always be welcome back. Of course I didn’t get a response (I didn’t expect one), but it was something God put on my heart to do, so I did it. The great thing is, I really have forgiven her. I pray every single night for God to work a miracle and bring us back together, but ultimately I always end with, “Your will Lord, not mine, be done.” I don’t know what God has planned for the future, but I trust Him. I know He has good things planned for me. I don’t need to know what those plans are, I just rest in the knowledge that He’s in control. I really want to be back with N, but this verse keeps coming to mind:

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV

Well, I guess that’s it for tonight. I’m so glad I started this diary up again. It’s another great form of therapy.

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