As the title says, I had another seizure this morning. It was a bad one and I knew it was going to be. My right arm and leg felt all weird, like they had lost all their strength and had also lost a lot of sensation. The first thought I had on my mind was to tell N, because she was always there and knew how to take care of me. Then somehow through my muddled mind, I remembered that she isn’t here any more. So I sent a text to my parents right after I popped a Xanax. I guess I was in the middle of one when they came over because I don’t remember them coming in. According to them, I had two seizures. After I stopped with the first one, I went limp and I guess a couple minutes later, I started up again.
I slept most of the day after that and woke up one time to a message from my parents that they aren’t going to go visit my sister because of car trouble and weather. I really hope it’s not because of me. I already messed up one person with my health problems, I hope I’m not doing it to them either.
I’m still really fuzzy in my head and feel lots of head pressure. I was going to continue working on the mallet tonight but not when I’m feeling this way. Working with sharp tools while my brain feels like cotton and not having full control over my limbs and hands just isn’t a good idea.
I don’t know what brought the seizure on. I was in a good mood this morning, not stressing out, I had eaten and was watching some television… actually, a documentary from those who had left the Mormon church and also the history of the church. I think I started watching a documentary on Genghis Khan’s tomb and that’s when it hit.
There’s so much I want to do but I can’t because my body won’t let me. It gets really frustrating at times like today. I feel a little depressed because of everything today, and for some reason, feel guilty, like I’m responsible for my parents canceling their trip. Maybe I’m transferring guilt from N on to them. I don’t know. As N used to say, this isn’t something I’m choosing, it’s something that’s happening to me. She was always so supportive. I really miss that.
Well, tomorrow is a new day, and Lord willing, I’ll see what it’ll bring.
PS – sorry if my grammar and typing is a bit off. I’m having a hard time writing and am really trying to concentrate to get this all out.